An Adventure to be Determined, Part II
by VAM-Ninja
Summary: The adventure is now slightly determined! We're back and better than ever, with more action! more fart jokes! and more romance? Warning: Rated PG for Pure Gold. Read and Review, please. Legolas x OC; Pippin x OC; Frodo x OC.
1. Fanny Packs and Kazoos

Moolie: Welcome to Part Two!

Aggie: Indeed.

Ginny: Wait a minute, I didn't get a line-

*Title scene starts rolling.*

............

Chapter One: Fanny Packs and Kazoos

"Gandalf!" Frodo yelled as he awoke from his nightmare.

"What's the problem, Mr. Frodo?" Sam inquired as he rushed to Frodo's side.

"Ugh, crap, I forgot you were here," Frodo mumbled under his breath. He then turned to Sam. "No problem, Sam. It was just a dream."

Frodo lay on his side pretending to go to sleep, hoping Sam would go away. When Sam finally did, Frodo realized that he did want someone to talk to. He looked over to see Fado curled by the fire. He got up and crept over to her.

"Fado…" he said quietly as he prodded her shoulder. He continued poking her until she rolled over and punched him in the nose.

Frodo fell backwards, cupping his hands over his face. "Dammit!"

Fado groggily sat up and quickly realized what happened. "Oh my gosh, I'm sorry! Reflexes and all that! Here, let me help…"

Frodo scrambled away, still holding his nose. "No, it's quite alright! You've done enough!"

"At least let me help you, Frodo," Fado said.

"No, really, I'm fine!" Frodo was a wee bit embarrassed from being punched in the nose by a girl.

"You sit down, young hobbit, and let me help you or else. I hurt you and now I want to help you. Would you rather Sam do it?"

Frodo looked down at the fat hobbit snoring away. He finally took his hands away to show that he had a bit of a bloody nose. Fado told him to sit down while she went to steal one of Sam's handkerchiefs. She wet it and began to dab the blood away.

"Will you hold still?" she said quietly. Finally, she got fed up and grabbed his chin to hold him steady as she wiped the blood off.

"You remind me of my mother," he grumbled.

"Well if you don't want me to-" she started to move away.

"No, wait," he trapped her hand against his cheek. "I um…"

She felt her face grow hot. He was closer than she realized. He smelled like pipe smoke and earth. Frodo was feeling stupid, like he had totally forgotten what he had wanted to say. Without thinking he began to lean in.

Unbeknownst to them, Sam had been waking up. "Merglegrimblegrumblebumble….." he mumbled as he rubbed his eyes. He then saw Frodo. Grabbing his handy-dandy first aid kit, he shoved Fado out of the way and poured peroxide on Frodo's open wound.

"Don't worry, Mr. Frodo, I'm here!" Sam was yelling over Frodo's screams. The fat hobbit then proceeded to stuff tissues up Frodo's nose to stop the bleeding.

"Ah, my brain!" Frodo screamed in pain. Fado couldn't help but laugh hysterically from the sidelines.

***

"Are we there yet?" Nora complained.  
"No." Aragorn checked the map again.

"Are you sure we're not lost?" Azimah asked worriedly.  
"You should've asked for directions!" Gimli grumbled.

"Dude, I'm not lost," Aragorn said unconvincingly. "I'm a Ranger! I do this stuff all the time!"  
"Well, where are we, then?" Legolas asked.

"We should be coming up on the Gap of Rohan any minute."

"Good, cuz I need to pee."

"Nora, that's disgusting!"

"Here we are!" Aragorn exclaimed cheerfully. The group had reached the top of the rocky hill and a large building came into view. On the front of the building in big letters read "Gap of Rohan".

The group gazed in awe at the mannequins in the display windows.

"Look at the polo shirts, man!"

"Dude, they're all the same."

"Stop being such a butt, Azimah!" Aragorn said as he started to walk up to the door.

"Shouldn't we keep looking for Merry and Pippin?" Nora asked anxiously. "You know, before they die?"

"Aw, they can hold out for a few minutes," Legolas said, following Aragorn into the air-conditioned store.

"I've got some great coupons!" Gimli added, following the blonde Elf.

Azimah and Nora looked at each other, shrugged, and went inside. Inside were racks upon racks of preppy clothing. All the employees sported fanny packs.

As Azimah studied a mannequin, Legolas ran past her with an armful of clothes.

"Legolas?"

"No time to talk!" Legolas yelled, running into a dressing room. "Gotta try on these slacks!"

Azimah sighed and sat down on a nearby bench next to Nora.

Half an hour passed by. The girls couldn't take much more of the giggles coming from the dressing rooms. Nora finally stood up and placed her hands on her hips. "I'm going to go do something." She then crawled under a rack of clothing and began to play hide-and-go-seek with herself.

Azimah simply watched in amusement. She waited for about 10 minutes. Nora still did not emerge from the clothes rack.

"Nora?" Azimah finally called out. There was a muffled evil laugh from the inside of the clothes rack.

"Mweeheehee…"

Azimah rolled her eyes. "Nora, I can see your feet."

"My plan is foiled," Azimah heard Nora mumble. "Run!" She then lifted the clothes rack and ran to the other side of the men's section.

As Nora continued to play around in the clothes rack, Azimah walked over to the dressing room.  
"Are you guys done yet?" she asked as she opened up one of the doors, revealing a shirtless Legolas.

Azimah hiccupped. She was blushing under her veil.

Legolas turned around and eyed Azimah. Smirking, he said, "You like what you see?"

Azimah was struggling to give him a sarcastic reply when, suddenly, sirens at the front door went off, followed by a familiar voice shouting profanities.

A calm voice went on over the intercom. "Security to the front desk. Security to the front desk."

Azimah and Legolas rushed to the front of the store where Nora was struggling to escape the grasp of two very large men, who were also wearing polos and fanny packs.

Aragorn walked up wearing a denim jacket and white, sparkly jeans. He whipped off his sunglasses. "What seems to be the problem?"

"She was trying to shoplift a hat," one of the security guards said.

"Nora, this is such a disappointment!" Gimli said as he walked up wearing beige capris and a light pink polo.

"We're sorry, gentlemen," Aragorn said. "It won't happen again."

"Damn right it won't," the other security guard said. "Cuz you guys are never coming back here again!"

Five minutes later, the guys had gotten their regular clothes back and were back on the road. Every so often, they would glare at Nora angrily.

"That was a great saving sale I missed," Aragorn pouted. "And all thanks to _Nora_."

Nora shrugged. "I still got my hat." She grinned and pointed to the black beanie on her brown-haired head.

***

"Merry! Wake up!"

Merry's eyes cracked open. "What? It's not time for breakfast, is it? I'm hungry…can I have some scones? That would be nice…"

"Uh-oh! Shh!"

"What are y'all whispering about, you maggots?!" an Orc hissed at them, pulling both the hobbits to their feet.

"Oh, hullo Pip," Merry said, fully awake now. "So you've come on this little expedition, too? Where do we get bed and breakfast?"

"Quit yer squealin', rats, and get movin'!" another Orc yelled, and Merry and Pippin were carried again.

"Not very friendly folk, are they?" Pippin observed to Merry. Somehow their Orcs had stayed next to each other, so the two hobbits could talk. The stupid Orcs couldn't even hear them over their loud stomping strides.

"Apparently not. I wish they'd give us some hearty food. That grey bread is disgusting and I don't even want to know where that meat came from."

"I know. I wish we still had Sam's cooking, no matter how annoying he is. I wonder how he and the rest of them are doing…"

"Yeah…like Nora."

Pippin looked at Merry sharply, but frowned. He'd been worried about her since Amon Hen. In his dreams, he saw her falling, the Orc standing over her.

"Merry, do you think it killed her?" he whispered.

"What? I can't hear you!" Merry said. "This Orc just farted!"

Pippin sighed. He supposed that Nora was still alive, he could feel it in his gut, but he still worried.

"Y'know, I wish we were still with the rest of the Fellowship. I miss them. Surprisingly, I even miss Gimli's farts. Hey Pip, do you think that Orc killed Nora?"

Pippin rolled his eyes. "I miss them too, Merry…"

***

"I'm bored!" Nora complained, hitting Azimah on the back.

"You hit me. I don't like being hit."

They glared at each other for a long time. Aragorn looked at them and was about to say something, but Legolas hushed him. "Just…just don't disturb them. They'll settle it…eventually…"

Nora and Azimah stood like that for about three minutes, after which they promptly fell to the ground, laughing hysterically. Legolas and Aragorn stared at them, extremely bewildered. "….females are scary."

"What's the stopping for?! Can't you keep up with a dwarf?" huffed Gimli, running slowly ahead of the four of them. "Didn't you know dwarves are natural sprinters?" Legolas rolled his eyes and skipped ahead of him swiftly, using almost no energy at all.

So the little group continued on their way.

"Ah!" cried Nora, stumbling into Aragorn who had momentarily stooped to pick up something off the ground. She fell over him and landed in the grass. "Hey! Why'd you stop like that, you mangy piece of..."

"Look! It's one of their brooches!" Aragorn cut her off.

No one seemed to notice that in the background, Gimli had fallen in between two big boulders and was yelling curses as he got to his feet.

"They may yet still be alive!" Legolas said, looking ahead all dramatically like in the movie.

Nora snatched the brooch from Aragorn, cupping it in her hands. She wondered if it was Pippin's, anxious if he was still alive.

"Onward!" Gimli shouted, running ahead of the group again, a smelly trail in his wake. Everyone gasped for air. Legolas shook his head and he sprinted ahead of him again.

"I'm bored again!"

Azimah sighed. "Why don't we play 'I Spy', Nora? Will that make you unbored?"

"YES!" Nora said, thumping Azimah on the shoulder.

She sighed. "Well, since you're so… thrilled, why don't you go first?"

"Nah. You can go first, Azzy!"

Azimah glowered at her. "Fine. I spy with my little eyes…an eagle."

"You're not supposed to _tell_ me what you spy, silly!" Nora said. Azimah sighed once more. She was being abnormally cheerful. "Besides, I don't even see an eagle!"

"I do!"

"Legolas!" Nora yelled.

"Geez, sorry..."

Azimah smiled. "Well, Nora?"

"What?! I don't see anything!"

"Up, you idiot."

"I still don't see it."

"Nora, you're looking down."

"Oh. Ooh! ….still don't see it…"

"Whoops. I forgot. You're a human. Heh."

"You cheater!"

"Shut up! It's your turn!"

"But I never-"

"Nora…"

"Ok! Hmm, I spy with my little eyes…something grey."

"A rock."

"Huh? That was fast, uh… I spy something...big."

"A rock."

"Wow! Hm, I spy -"

"A rock!"

"Damn, you're good. Your turn, Azzy."

"Don't call me that! I spy with my little eyes…uh…"

Just then, Legolas ran past them.

"I spy…uh…spy…"

"You pervert, you…"

"What?"

"I know what you were looking at, don't fool me."

"What??"

"Is something the matter, ladies?"

"Well Legolas if you must-MPH!"

Azimah clamped her hand on Nora's face. ""Nothing at all, we were just having some girl time," she said, then through gritted teeth, "right, Nora?"

Nora shook her head quickly. Legolas took one last puzzled look at them, and then turned to continue running ahead. Azimah stared after him for another second, but Nora slapped her hand off her face. "I don't completely blame you, it is a nice view. But, its still your turn, _Azzy._"

Azimah scowled and squinted her eyes as she looked ahead. "I spy with my little eyes…um..."

"Are you looking at-"

"Nora! _I spy with my little eyes…_horsemen! Lots of horsemen!"

"Huh? I don't see any! You're cheating again!"

"No, seriously!" Azimah cried. "See? Legolas, don't you see them too?"

"She's telling the truth," Legolas confirmed.

"No! You're only playing along because you like her!"

**Collective gasp. **There was an awkward pause.

"Oh look! The Riders of Rohan!" Aragorn said, breaking the silence. He pointed in the direction Azimah had been looking in.

"Told you," she muttered, kicking Nora's ankle.

They all ran and hid behind a conveniently-close boulder. Legolas noticed that Aragorn looked happier than usual.

You see, since Boromir's death, Aragorn had been trying to find someone to argue with. He had tried Azimah and Legolas, but they were quicker than he was with witty comebacks. He then tried Gimli, but the dwarf would only fart and that would be the end of the conversation. He then tried to argue with Nora, who wasn't smart or quick with her comebacks, usually taking up to half an hour to come up with a witty response.

Finally, he had found a possible rival.

He stood from his hiding spot. "Hey, who dressed you this morning? Your _mom_?!"

The Men quickly turned around and started riding back towards the fellowship.

Nora stared at Aragorn. "What did you just…uh-oh. Now they're coming over here."

Soon, there was a large band of kazoo-playing horsemen surrounding their little group.

The leader dismounted his gallant steed to confront the fellowship.

"Who said that?' he asked, but his voice was drowned in the kazoo-playing. It seemed to have gotten louder.

The man turned around. "Stop that!"  
The kazoo playing continued.

"I said _enough_!"

The kazoo playing died down. A man in the back of the group continued to play his kazoo, not releasing that everyone else had stopped.

"Bradley, Bradley!" the man yelled at the idiot in the back. "I said stop!"

Bradley stopped playing his kazoo and hung his head in shame.

"Now," the man said, turning around. "Who insulted my clothing?"

Legolas promptly pointed to Gimli with a totally straight face.

"I would cut off your head, dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground," the man said.

One of the riders' spears bumped him on the head. "Ow!"

"Oops, sorry."

"Apologize," the man said sternly to Gimli.

Gimli looked down. "I'm sorry…" he mumbled reluctantly.

"Good. Now, what business does a Man, two Elves, a dwarf, and a _lady_," he stopped to wiggle his eyebrows at Nora, "have in the Ridimark?"

"We're hunting Orcs. Have you seen any pass by? They're rather dirty and ugly, and they smell _horrible._ Do you think you've seen any?" Aragon asked cheerfully.

"I know what Orcs look like, you moron! Why are you hunting them?" the man demanded, then cut Aragorn off as he began to speak. "Not from you, someone else tell me. I'm not sure I can stand much more of his idiocy."

"But there were two hobbits, two wee hobbits! Did you see 'em?!" Gimli totally zoned out and just realized he had a line. But he spoke at the wrong part.

"Who? What's a hobbit?" the man asked, a quizzical look on his face.

"Slow down there Gimli, let's start over." Aragorn said. "Now, for introductions: I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and *cough* I'M GOING TO BE KING ONE DAY! *cough* oh, *cough* excuse me. And this is Legolas of the Woodland Realm, Nora of Forodwaith, Azimah of the Sand Elves, and Gimli, son of Gloìn."

"I'm Eomer," the man said.

"We've been tracking the Orcs for days because they've taken two of our friends captive. They're hobbits, only children to your eyes."

"Ooh, those Orcs. Yes, we did run into a nasty bunch. We ambushed them all in the night, and burned the carcasses," Eomer replied, pointing in the direction of a great column of smoke no one seemed to notice before. "We left no survivors."

Nora's face darkened at this news. Gimli butted in, "But there were two hobbits, two wee hobbits! Didn't you see 'em?!" Everyone turned to him and stared. He smiled awkwardly and shrugged.

"I do believe Gimli's gone mad," Azimah muttered.

Eomer didn't seem to notice that the dwarf was repeating things. "We saw no such hobbits. They may have been caught in the fight…"

Nora's anger boiled over and she lurched at Eomer, attempting to punch him. "Nora!" Aragorn yelled, pulling her back. The riders raised their spears again, one of them bumping Eomer on the head again. "Sorry!"

"This is what I get for not wearing a helmet around you guys…"

"She didn't mean that," Azimah spoke up quickly, defending Nora before one of the riders would be brash and try to kill her. "The hobbits were our friends, and they were very dear to us."

"Hmph, that may be, but she tried to _punch _me! Do you know how humiliating that makes me look in front of my men?!" Eomir hissed. Azimah shrugged.

"Are you sure no one saw them?" Gimli asked.

"For the last time, NO!" Bradley yelled.

"Geez…"

"I guess we'll go to the burn site just to make sure," Aragorn said.

"Yay, another long walk. Aragorn, my legs are killing me. I don't want to walk anymore!"

"Gimli, stop complaining!"

"Don't make me come over there, you snotty little Elf princeling!"

"Guys, shut up!"

"Well then," Eomer began loudly. "I suppose I could lend you three horses for your journey." Two riders brought forth three horses. "May your fate fare better than their masters'."

"What are their names?" Azimah asked, petting one of the horses gently.

"Hm, let's see here…" Eomer said, looking at the horses thoughtfully. "This one here is Hasselhoff, that's Aaron, and that's Gary."

"I call Gary," Nora said.

"What? A dwarf ride a horse?! That's unheard of! I will never ride one of those panicky beasts! I'd never dream of it!" Gimli yelled.

"We'll see about that…" Aragorn muttered, picking the dwarf up and plopping him on one of the horses' back. He ignored the dwarf's curses.

"Thank you for the horses, Eomer," Aragorn said as he climbed up on his. Azimah and Nora were arguing about who got to sit on the front of their horse.

"I don't like sharing!" Azimah grumbled.

"I wanna sit in the front!" Nora yelled, trying to climb on the horse, but the Elf was quicker. She pushed Nora off and hopped up nimbly on the front of the horse. Legolas smiled and made for her horse, but Nora shoved him away and jumped up onto the horse behind Azimah. "Not so fast blondie, heheh…"

Legolas frowned and reluctantly sat on the horse in front of Gimli. He was already beginning to smell.

"I wish you luck on your search for your friends, but I fear no good will come of it. Goodbye, I will probably see you all again sometime soonish, I think, if I read the script right. Farewell. MEN!"

All the riders put away their spears suddenly and pulled out kazoos. They all rode away into the sunset, playing the Rohan theme on their little plastic instruments.

"Strange folk…" Azimah murmured as the five of them took off in the opposite direction.

"Aragorn, why do you get a horse all to yourself?"

"Cuz I'm gonna be KING!" Aragorn yelled proudly.

"No need for all caps, geez…"

…………

Aggie: Moolie, what is this?!  
Moolie: …a puppy…

Aggie: But we already have Donald!

Ginny: Aw, she's so cute…

Aggie: She peed on the couch! That's where I sleep!

Ginny: Aw, we're keeping her, right, Moolie?

Aggie: Damn hippies…

Moolie: We'll call her…Elephant.

Aggie: But she's the size of a teacup!

Ginny: Oh, sweet irony!


	2. Men at Work

Moolie: Greetings, mortals!

Aggie: Happy late Easter!

*Ginny tackles Aggie to the ground, both start fighting to the death.*

Moolie: Oh, don't mind them, they're just-

*Donald comes rushing in, looking very frightened.*

Donald: Haroo!!!!

Translation: The toilet's screaming!!!!

…………

Chapter Two: Men at Work

Legolas and Gimli were told to stay at the back of the group for fear that Gimli's flatulence might spook the horses. As they neared the pile of Orc corpses, it became apparent that the hobbits' chances were very slim.

They circled the burn site on their horses.

"This doesn't look too good," Aragorn sang.

"I'll check it out," said Gimli.

"Wait a minute," said Legolas. "What are you gonna-"

Without warning, Gimli leapt into the air and boosted himself with a magnificent honk from his rear end. He then dove headfirst into the pile.

It was quite a site to see. His stubby little legs were sticking out as he searched for any sign of the hobbits.

Meanwhile, everyone else was dismounting their horses. Azimah gagged at the smell of the rotting corpses mixed with Gimli's gaseous perfume.

Nora was looking pale. Azimah, being the awkward Elf she was, gave her a manly pat on the shoulder.

Suddenly, Gimli's legs began kicking frantically. There was a muffled yell from the pile.

"Do you think we should pull him out?" Legolas asked.

After a few minutes of contemplating, Aragorn shrugged and they all went to dislodge Gimli.

"Heave, Men!"

"We're not Men."

"Heave…everyone…" Aragorn trailed off. "But that doesn't sound as cool."

The group finally pulled Gimli out of the pile. There was a burnt piece of leather hanging from his mouth.

"I fw'n shmth'n!" he mumbled.

"What?" Aragorn said.

Gimli took the piece of leather from out of his mouth. "I found something. It's one of their wee belts."

Nora took the belt from Gimli. Azimah noticed that her hand was shaking.

"We failed them," Gimli whispered.

Legolas began praying in Elvish. Azimah joined him.

Aragorn kicked aside a helmet and shouted in anger, "RAAAAAAWR!"

After finishing her prayer, Azimah looked over to see that Nora was crying.

"Nora...?"

"S'nothin'…" Nora sniffed.

"Do…do you want a hug or something?"

"No, no, I'm cool…" She gasped for air, trying to hold back another set of tears.

"Were you and Pippin…?"

Nora sniffed again. "No."

As Aragorn knelt on the ground, he noticed something that anyone else would've merely passed by. "What's this?" he asked as he did a gratuitous tumble set. The rest of the group watched curiously.

"A hobbit lay here. And another." He did a cartwheel.

"Aragorn?"

"Quiet, I'm working. Now…" Aragorn scanned the ground. "Their hands were bound." He then did a hand spring over to a different spot where he picked up a length of rope. "Their bonds were cut." He then attempted to do a sideways somersault, but unintentionally tumbled into the pile of Orc corpses.

"I'm alright!" he said quickly as he stood and brushed himself off. "Don't worry."

"We weren't," Azimah said blankly.

Aragorn ignored her. Instead, he pointed dramatically at the ground. "Their tracks lead away!" One last cartwheel. "Into Fangorn Forest!"

"Fangorn? What madness drove them in there?" Gimli muttered.

"What're we waiting for?" exclaimed Nora, sprinting full-head into the undergrowth.

Aragorn gave a melodramatic sigh. "Let's go, then."

***

"That stick looks awfully familiar," Fado stated. "So does that little plant. It smells funny. I think Sam had to go potty over there behind that boulder." Sam went hot pinkish purnurple.

"And tha-"

"Enough! Alright, I get it!" Frodo shouted.

Sam started to cry. "Oh, Mr. Frodo! We're lost!"

"Ugh, thank you, Captain Obvious," Fado muttered, rolling her eyes.

"We've been going in circles!" Sam went on, not hearing her.

"Shut up!" Fado yelled, glaring at the fat hobbit.

"Fado's been real moody today, Mr. Frodo," he whimpered.

"AGH!!!!!" Fado screamed. Frodo hushed the both of them.

"Do you smell that?" he asked.

"Do you mean Sam's…business?"

"No, not that!" Frodo said, a disgusted look on his face.

"Well, what is it, then?"

"Something…fouler…"

"I don't reckon that's possible."

Frodo hushed her once more. As they listened closely, they heard a garbled noise that sounded as if someone was strangling a cat.

"Never gonna give you up, Precious…"

"What was that?" Sam asked, holding onto Frodo.

"Never gonna let you down, Precious…"

"It appears we've just gotten Rick Roll'd," Fado stated.

"Never gonna run around and desert you, Precious…"

Frodo turned to Sam. "We're not alone."

Later that night…

Frodo's chest rose and fell softly. Fado lay curled on her bedroll. Sam was snoring Handel's ninth symphony. Everyone was asleep. Or so it seemed…

Well, actually, Sam was asleep. It was the only way this plan could work without him ruining it.

They heard a small voice getting closer. "Stupid hobbitses. Nasty little thieves. Stole the damn Precious."

Fado was nervous. It was hard to keep her breathing steady, but she had to for the plan to work.

"Rip their little throatses out, take their innards and prance around the May pole…"

She grabbed Frodo's hand and squeezed it.

"Remember to follow the plan…" he breathed quietly.

"Curse them, we hates them, it's ours it is, and we wants it…"

"NOW!" Frodo yelled.

***

"We didn't mean to, really! It was an accident!"

"You accidentally tried to kill us?" Frodo asked.

"No, no, it was the _Precious_. The _Precious_ made us do it! We swears!"

"Morning, all!" Sam yawned. "How did you guys- _What is that_!?"

"Sam, this is what we call a Gollum," Fado said. "It's native to the Misty Mountains, lives on a diet of fish and small insects, and mates periodically during the winter months."

"Well, he needs a tan," Sam said, placing his hands on his hips.

"You need to go eat a salad!" Gollum hissed.

"Everyone shut up!" Fado yelled. Frodo, Sam, and Gollum stood at attention.

"Now, if we're going to get through this trip, we're going to do it in a civil manner," she said. "Sam, be nice to your little brother."

"Wait a minute, he's not my-"

"And Gollum, no more naughty words, or else you're going to owe a nickel to the Potty Mouth Jar. Now, we're all going to at least _pretend_ that we like each other. Is that clear?"  
"Yes ma'am," said Sam.

"Yes, Mum," said Gollum.

"Good."

***

Nora led the way into the forest. The rest reluctantly followed.

"Did you see that?" Aragorn asked Legolas, beaming. "Did you see all those tumble sets I just did?"

Legolas didn't seem too impressed. "_Yes_, Aragorn. I saw."

"I bet the last king couldn't do all that!"

"I'm sure he couldn't, Aragorn."

Nora led on into the thick woods, looking and listening closely for any signs of hobbits. But the forest was quiet. To her, anyway. Behind her, Azimah was having a difficult time concentrating. The forest was quite loud.

'_What are you five doing here?'_ one tree asked.

'_These are _our _woods!'_ another one shouted.

'_Yes, get out!'_ the first one said.

'_The blonde one's a bit attractive,' _another tree stated.

Azimah giggled quietly.

There was a quick rustle of leaves, as if a tree was slapping another tree with its branches.

'_Give it up, Dan,'_ the first tree said. _'He'll never go for a tree!'_

Dan remained quiet. The second tree snickered.

'Have you seen any hobbits around here?' Azimah thought to the trees.

'_What's a hobbit?'_

Azimah sighed. 'Have you seen any _children_ around here?'

'_Ah, yes, children. I think I saw a pair running away from a rather nasty Orc. They seemed quite distressed.'_

'Did the Orc get them?'

'_We couldn't see that well, y'know, it being dark and all,' _the tree paused. _'Why do you ask?'_

'_Friends of yours?' _another tree butted in.

'Yes.'

'_Oh, they're dead.'_

'_Shut it, Kenneth!'_

Kenneth's sudden outburst caught Azimah by surprise and she stopped walking. Legolas accidentally bumped into her.

"Azimah-"

"Oh," Azimah mumbled, turning around. "Sorry, Legolas."

Legolas watched her curiously. "It's fine… Come on, we have to keep up."

Azimah turned around and started to follow Nora again, who hadn't even stopped to see what the problem was. She continued to lead to group deeper into Fangorn Forest; not exactly sure of what she was doing, but refusing to admit it. Aragorn seemed a tad bit annoyed that he wasn't leading the way.

'How do you know they're dead, Kenneth?' Azimah asked.

'_Children can't defeat an Orc,' _Kenneth said. _'Your kids were probably eaten, Miss.'_

Azimah's heart sank and she looked at Nora, who continued to dodge tree roots and mud puddles. She couldn't bear tell her what the trees were saying.

"Uh, Nora...?" she began, but was suddenly interrupted.

'_The White Wizard!'_ a tree hissed dramatically.

'What?' Azimah was quite confused.

'_He's heeeere!'_

'Who's here? Saruman?'

'_Why is he heeeeere?'_

In all of this confusion, Azimah started to yell.

"What? Who is it?"

The rest of the group stopped to watch her little meltdown in confusion.

"Azimah?" Legolas called out. When she didn't look at him, he reached out to touch her shoulder. His touch seemed to calm her down, but she seemed to still be listening to something.

"Who is it?" she repeated. Gimli started to laugh, but Legolas quickly shushed him.

"Is it Saruman?" Azimah called out. "Where is he?!"

The group got uncomfortably silent.

"_Is he here?_" Azimah yelled.

"Who is she talking about?" Gimli asked.

"Saruman…" Aragorn said slowly.

Gimli nodded. He then started to scream.

"Shut it," Legolas said and quickly pushed the Dwarf. Gimli stopped screaming, eyeing Legolas suspiciously.

"Don't push me…"

Aragorn finally placed his hands on Azimah's shoulders. "What is it?"

Azimah blinked and looked at him. "Oh, uh…" She looked around at the faces of her companions. Legolas stood close, watching her worriedly. Nora scanned the surroundings impatiently. Gimli stood nearby with a serene smile on his face.

Azimah grimaced. He only made that face when he farted.

"What about Saruman?" Aragorn asked seriously. Finally, he could be leader again.

"The trees…" Azimah started. "They speak of a 'White Wizard' in the forest."

Aragorn's eyes widened. "Saruman."

"Yes, that's what I was saying…" Azimah said, but Aragorn quickly turned away.

"Do not let him speak," Aragorn said quietly. "He will put a spell on us- _Really_? Is this the best the writers could do? I mean, come on! It's like we're talking about a fairy godmother here!"

"Aragorn…?"

"What?"

"Turn around…"

Aragorn turned and his eyes widened. "Damn."

…………

Moolie: Aggie, grab the shampoo! We have to perform an exorcism before it spreads to our other appliances!

Aggie: How are we gonna perform an exorcism…?

Moolie: Just do it! Ginny, do you remember any of the Latin you learned in high school?

Ginny: Um…

Moolie: Good enough!

*Moolie starts beating the toilet with a cleaning brush while dumping the contents of the shampoo bottle into the bowl. Ginny starts chanting in the background.*

Ginny: _Pater noster, qui es in caelis…_

Aggie: *sigh* I'm gonna go watch television.


	3. I See Dead People

Aggie: …and then the goblin pulls out a _machine gun_!

Ginny: There aren't any machine guns in Dungeons and Dragons!

Moolie: I can't believe you spent our month's rent on this game.

…………

Chapter Three: I See Dead People

"We must warns you that there are dead people-"

"There are dead people!" Sam screamed suddenly. "Dead faces in the water!"

"Shut it, Sam," Frodo groaned. "Gollum just said that."

"That guy has funny eyebrows." Sam laughed.

"Sam, let him rest in peace," Fado said.

"Don't follow the lights," Gollum warned.

"Well, what about that light up ahead?" asked Fado.

"It looks like a large yellow 'M'…" Frodo said pensively.

"McDonald's!!" Sam screamed in delight. He sprinted ahead and promptly fell face first into the water.

"Should we help him?" asked Fado. "I mean, he can't swim."

"Nah," Frodo said.

"Wait, wait," the group heard Sam mutter as he climbed out of the pool of water. "I'm coming!"

He quickly crawled onto land and began running again.

Fado turned to Frodo. "I am kind of hungry."

Frodo sighed. "I guess we'll go. C'mon, Gollum." He turned to see that Gollum wasn't there. Looking ahead, they both saw that he was running alongside Sam towards the golden arches.

Gollum and Sam were inside before Frodo and Fado could reach the building. As they got closer, Fado read a sign on the door that said: "No Shirt. No Shoes. No Service."

"This could prove to be problematic," she muttered. There was a yelp as both Sam and Gollum were thrown headfirst out of the door.

"No!" yelled Sam, throwing himself back at the glass door.

"We wanted a fillet o' fish, Precious!" Gollum screamed as he rolled around on the ground in agony.

"What's going on?" asked Frodo.

"Apparently, we need the proper attire to enter," Sam whined.

"Well, Fado is the only one with shoes…" Frodo said quietly.

Both Sam and Gollum were now begging at her feet.

"Come now, Miss Fado!" Sam sobbed. "They've got really good hash browns in there!"

"A fillet o' fish, Mummy!" Gollum pleaded. "A fillet o' fish!"

Fado sighed. "Alright."

"Hooray!"

"I want three Big Macs!" Sam said. "And an ice cream cone, and some super-sized fries, and-"

"They don't super-size anymore, Sam," Fado said.

"Aw. Then just get me two orders of large fries," he said. "Oh, and a large coke."

"I can't promise you I'll remember all of that."

"Well _try_!" Sam exclaimed. "I'm…so…hungry!"

"Hey, Sam, lay off!" Frodo said.

Sam backed away and wiped the drool from his chin. Fado felt a tug at the end of her skirt. She turned to see Gollum looking up at her with big, sad eyes.

"We wants a fillet o' fish, Mum," he said.

"Yes, dear, I heard you."

She turned to Frodo. "You want anything?"

He thought for a moment. "Quarter pounder with ketchup and cheese."

"Master likes Mummy!"

"No, I don't!" Frodo said a bit too quickly. Fado didn't hear. She was already going inside.

"Master _does _like Mummy! We can sees it!"

"Shut up," Frodo said through clenched teeth.

"Oh, come on, Mr. Frodo," Sam said. "We all know it. There's no need denying it."

"Deny what?" Frodo asked a little too loudly. He glanced nervously at Fado, who was inside waiting patiently for their food.

"You know exactly what you are denying," Sam said, pointing an accusing, pudgy finger.

Frodo glanced one last time at Fado. "I suppose…if that's the way you…" He looked to his left and saw a dark shadow in the sky coming towards them.

"Nazgûl!" Frodo screamed. They all ran to the door, but the snotty-nosed manager refused to let them inside.

"Please!" Frodo yelled. "You must let us in!"

The manager just pointed at the sign angrily.

The three rounded the building and started to bang their fists on a window to try and grab Fado's attention. She turned to them and waved happily.

"Fado!" Sam screamed. "Damn these sound-proof windows!"

"Hide," Gollum said quietly. Sam quickly dove into the nearest trash can. Frodo and Gollum ran frantically, trying to find somewhere to hide.

Frodo stopped. "I have a plan. C'mon, Gollum."

The two ran to the drive-through window and tapped on the glass. A nerdy, pimply-faced teenager opened the window. "Can I help you?"

Frodo threw Gollum through the window, who knocked the adolescent employee unconscious. He then helped Frodo through the window, and the two quickly hid the body.

"What do we do now?" Gollum asked.

Frodo glanced out the window and saw the Nazgûl flying suspiciously close to the parking lot.

"Oh, crap."

***

Ned the Nazgûl was having a bad day. His girlfriend left him and took their dog Pookie with her. Not only that, but the Witch King had just announced that they would no longer be getting dental insurance, what with the war expenses and all. Ned thought he was deserving of some comfort food, but he had to get back to work, so he thought he'd just go through the McDonald's drive-through. He guided Rover, his fell-beast, down into a neat landing.

He pressed the button on the intercom.

"Can we takes your order, Precious?"

"_I'll have a double cheeseburger with fries and a frosty," _he hissed. _"Make it a large frosty. With extra M&Ms."_

"Will that be alls, Precious?"

Ned thought it odd for a McDonald's employee to call him Precious, but he just ignored it. _"I guess I'll get McNuggets for Rover."_

"Drive up to the second window. Thankies."

Ned did as he was told. As he reached the second window, all he could see was the top of a curly-haired head with a McDonald's visor around it.

"Here's your meal, sir," the rather short employee said. Ned took his food and thanked him.

"_Wait a minute, son. Aren't you a bit young to be working here?"_

"I, uh…" Frodo stuttered. "I have a disease! Don't make fun of me. I got enough of that in high school."

Ned nodded and left.

"That was a close one!" Frodo said.

Gollum came out of the corner wearing a headset. "But we had funs, right?"

Frodo sighed. "I just hope I never have to see another Nazgûl again."

There was a sudden tapping at the window. Frodo slowly turned around to see Ned outside.

"_Excuse me," _Ned said, holding up a sandwich. _"But I asked for a double cheeseburger. This is a Big Mac."_

Frodo tried not to panic. "Just a moment, sir!" He rushed away and returned with a new bag. "Sorry for your trouble! We put some apple dippers in there, too."

Ned opened the bag and sighed as he muttered to himself: _"Well, I don't really apple dippers." _He then turned to Frodo. _"Thank you." _And then he was gone.

By now, the manager had noticed that Gollum and Frodo had made it inside his establishment with no shoes. And, in Gollum's case, no shirt. He ran after them with a spatula in hand as they dove out the drive-through window just in time to see Fado walk out with two heavy laden trays.

"Hey, guys," she said cheerfully. "Sorry I took so long."

Frodo and Gollum were out of breath. Fado looked at them, puzzled.

"Where's Sam?" she asked.

"Over heeeere!" they heard Sam call out. They turned to see Sam poking his head out of the trash can. "Are the bad guys gone yet?"

Fado turned to Frodo. "What is he talking about?"

Frodo shrugged. "You know Sam. He's so imaginative."

***

"Gandalf?"

The old man stared at Aragorn, puzzled. "Gandalf…"

"Gandalf!" Gimli exclaimed.

"Gandalf?!" Aragorn said.

"Gandalf," Legolas said.

"Ah, yes," the wizard said. "That's what they used to call me."

"Pointy beard."

"Shut it, Nora."

"But…you fell…" said Aragorn.

"Hey, Gandalf," Nora said.

"Yes, I did fall. Through fire and water…"

As Gandalf explained his adventures, Nora continued to pester him, jumping from side to side as if she had to pee. "Gandalf. Gandalf. Gandalf. Gandalf."

"What?!" the wizard finally yelled.

Nora didn't seem bothered by his sudden anger. "Where's Pippin?"

"Oh. He's somewhere over there," he said, waving vaguely to his right.

"Thanks!" Nora yelled before taking off through the trees.

Azimah frowned. "She didn't even say goodbye…"

***

Nora was running faster than the time she had been found out for hanging her father's underwear on the flagpole. She paused at a clearing and looked around. Then she felt something grab her waist.

"Wha…?"

Suddenly, she was lifted into the air and found herself face-to-face with what seemed to be a tree. She then started to scream profanity.

"Quiet, little Orc!" the Ent grunted, but Nora kept screaming as she felt vines bind her wrists and ankles.

"Oh, shut up, will you?" the Ent said, then finally sighed. "Don't make me say I told you so."

Nora paid no heed and the Ent soon gagged her with a vine and carried her off.

…………

Aggie: Who wants to play-

Ginny: No, Aggie. We're tired of that damn game.

Aggie: You guys suck!

*A knock at the door.*

Dan: Hey, guys. Can I have my computer back?

Moolie: Oh…hi, Dan…

*Goes to fix her hair.*

Aggie: Dude, she's totally got the hots for you.

Dan: Really?

Ginny: Yeah. I'm a pretty sure she keeps a picture of you under her pillow.

Aggie: Let's go find out!


	4. The King is in the House!

Moolie: Sorry we haven't been able to post for a while. You know, school's been rather hectic.

Aggie: That's not all that's been hectic!

Dan: Ready to go?

Moolie: Sure, Dan!

Ginny: This is sickening.

Moolie: Don't wait up for me. I'll probably be late getting in.

Aggie: Ew. Well, I guess it's just you and me, Ginny.

Ginny: No, it's not. I have to go to work. Someone needs to provide money for this dysfunctional lack of a family. The pizza guy will be coming soon. Don't forget to pay him like you did last time.

Aggie: Whatever. At least I have Donald.

*Donald comes out in a dress shirt and bow tie.*

Donald: Haroo!

Aggie: What? You're hittin' the town, too?

Donald: Haroo!

Aggie: With Elephant?

*Elephant the puppy comes out in a night dress.*

Aggie: She's too young for this!

*Mambo music plays, the two sashay out of the room. Doorbell rings. In steps the pizza guy, Kevin.*

Kevin: Here's your pizza! That'll be-

Aggie: Come in! Take a seat, make yourself at home!

Kevin: Why?

Aggie: I'm all alone! They've left me!

Kevin: Uh…

Aggie: Let's write a story, shall we?

…………

Chapter Four: The King is in the House!

The tiny people group was setting up camp for the night. Frodo was setting out the bedrolls, Sam was preparing a meal, and Fado was trying to coax Gollum into eating a piece of lembas bread.

"Come on now, dear. You're nothing but skin and bones!" Fado tried.

"We won't eats it mummy! We won't!" Gollum stubbornly refused.

"Don't try reasonin' with that riff-raff, Fado," Sam called. "He doesn't know food when he sees it!"

"Fat Hobbit is bullying us, Mum," Gollum wailed, "Make it stop!"

"Now, Sam, that is no way to speak to your little brother. Apologize!" Fado scolded.

"But he-"

"Apologize, young hobbit!"

"But-"

"Samwise Herbert Gamgee, you are trying my patience! Now apologize!" Fado, who was shorter than Sam, was now on her tippy-toes, staring him down.

"Fine. I'm sorry," Sam mumbled reluctantly, "Hey! Herbert isn't my middle name!"

Frodo looked up from his map. "He's right you know. His middle name is Elizabeth."

Sam turned purple. "Mr. Frodo, you promised not to tell anyone, remember?"

Frodo looked up again. "I didn't promise anything. Plus you're the one who yelled it across the Green Dragon last April when you'd had too much to drink."

Meanwhile, Gollum had become curious and nibbled some lembas. He started retching and gagging.

Frodo walked over. "You okay, Gollum?" Gollum looked pale. Well, paler than usual. Then he threw up on Frodo.

"Well, that's not what I expected..." Frodo muttered.

"Nasty elfy-bread. The only good elfy cookses ares the Keebler kind," Gollum groaned. He then became suddenly animated, "We'll catch some fish, Precious! We will! Then Master and Mummy and fat hobbit and us will has a feast!"

He cackled in delight as he scrambled away into the woods.

(A short while later…)

"When's Gollum gonna get back with our fish? I'm starving!" Frodo complained.

"Fado, can you come light the fire?" Sam whined. "I'm all out of matches."

Fado groaned. "All everyone does around here is complain."

She walked over to the silly hobbit's little fire ring and began to rearrange the kindling. Meanwhile, Frodo turned around to change his dirty shirt. Fado glanced at him and then did a double take. It was nice…Unfortunately, she forgot that Sam was quite close to the fire she was lighting. Sam screeched and fell back.

Fado didn't even pay attention as the fat hobbit rolled on the ground, covering his face with his hands.

"I did it!" she exclaimed happily once she had a small fire going. "Uh-oh…"

Frodo put on a fresh shirt and turned around. "What happened?"

Fado shrugged. "Maybe he was stung by a bee."

The two crowded around Sam, who continued to roll around and scream.

"Sam?" Frodo said, reaching out to try and comfort his gardener. "Sam, just calm down and tell us what's wrong."

"Ah!"

"Samwise Elizabeth Gamgee! He hasn't even touched you yet!" Fado scolded. Sam quieted down.

"Now, can you tell us what happened?" Frodo asked calmly.

"Sh-she wasn't paying attention to what she was doing!" Sam sniveled. "And she set my face on fire! I knew bringing her along was a bad idea, Mr. Frodo!"

Frodo sighed. "You're just overreacting, Sam. Now, remove your hands so we can see the damage."

Sam slowly lowered his hands from his face. Fado and Frodo gasped but said nothing. His faced was reasonably unharmed except for…

"What?" Sam said, lifting two imaginary eyebrows up. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Frodo said, trying to contain his laughter. Fado snickered.

"Then why are you staring at me like that?" Sam asked, growing hysterical once more. "I'm a monster!"

"No, it's fine, Sam," Frodo said. "Really."

The three heard humming and turned. Gollum had returned with a dead fish in his mouth. He grabbed it and smiled.

"Dinner!" he sang. His eyes grew wide as he took notice of Sam's nonexistent eyebrows.

"Pff HAHAHAHAHA!" he laughed.

"Gollum," Fado said warningly. "You're not helping."

"Sorry, Mum," Gollum muttered.

Frodo took one last glimpse at Sam and smiled. "Let's eat."

Sam's frown turned into a wide grin. Frodo knew the mention of food would cheer him up.

Frodo was the first to wake up that next morning. He looked over at Fado, who was sleeping quietly.

'Careful now, Frodo,' he thought. 'Don't want another bloody nose.'

He gently tapped her on the shoulder and quickly pulled back.

"…Fado?"

Fado sat up and yawned. "G'morning, Frodo. How'd you sleep?"

"Very well," he said, smiling. "And you?"

"Fine," Fado said, returning the smile. In the background, Gollum was strangling Sam awake.

"Wakey, wakey, fat hobbitses!" he screamed.

Sam sat up and stretched, not realizing Gollum's large hands gripping his neck. "Good morning, everyone! Lovely day, huh?"

Fado and Frodo stared at him. Sam looked from face to face, confused.

"What? Is this because I said 'Lovely day'? Look, I was kind of being ironic…"

"Yeah, yeah…" Frodo said, still staring at Sam. Instead of no eyebrows, a pair of angry eyebrows was crudely drawn on with charcoal.

"Well, we should get a move on," Sam said cheerfully. "We're almost to the Black Gates."

(Later, at the Black Gates...)

"OH WEE OH! WEE OOOOH WOH!" the soldiers chanted as they marched through the Black Gates.

"I don't like that chanting, Mr. Frodo!"

Frodo glared at Sam. "Sam, just shut up."

Fado stood at the tip of a lopsided boulder at the edge of a hill. "What a lovely view," she said.

"I wanna see!" Sam said, his charcoal eyebrows making him look angry despite his huge smile.

He jumped onto the lopsided rock, which cracked under the weight.

"Sam, you broke it!" Fado yelled. The two suddenly fell.

"No!" Frodo yelled. He ran down the hill after Fado.

"Mr. Frodo, what about me?" Sam called out as he continued to fall.

Frodo ignored Sam as he tried to pull Fado out of the gravel she had landed in. Regrettably, she was caught from the waste down. Fado noticed a pair of suspicious soldiers walking towards them.

"Oh no, the Winkies are coming!" Fado said.

"Winkies…?" Frodo asked, but decided to ignore it. He quickly crouched next to her and pulled his cloak over the two of them as two soldiers came to investigate the fallen rock. The two prayed their camouflage would work as they glimpsed at the soldiers' boots just a few inches away. Fado could feel Frodo's face particularly close to hers. She felt her own face grow hot. 'Oh, what would the village elders say?' She thought. Back in the village, boys were hardly allowed within a 3-foot diameter of girls.

"Well, that was weird," one of the soldiers finally said after a minute of silence.

"Not as weird as those Daisy Dukes you wore to last year's Halloween party!" the other soldier said.

"Oh, Antoine!" the first soldier said, hitting Antoine on the chest playfully. The two giggled and skipped off, hand in hand.

After waiting a few minutes, Frodo finished digging Fado out of the gravel and the two hid behind a large rock in front of them.

Gollum ran down the hill and nearly knocked them down as he tumbled toward them. "Where's the thirds one?"

"Third one?" Frodo asked, looking to Fado. "What are you talking about-oh."

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam yelled. "I'm right here, Mr. Frodo!"

Frodo turned around to see Sam crawling through the gravel towards them.

"How could you leave me, Mr. Frodo?" Sam huffed.

The three just ignored him. Frodo began to walk to the Black Gates.

"Don't go, they'll catch you!" Gollum said, clutching Frodo's shoulder. "I know another way."

"It could've been helpful if you mentioned that earlier," Fado muttered.

"There are stairs, and a tunnel, and a spider…no, wait! No, there's no spider!" Gollum said. He was continually groping Frodo's shoulder.

Frodo eyed him suspiciously. "Could you please stop touching me?"

Gollum wasn't paying attention. "They will catch you!"

"I don't trust this filth," Sam said.

"You don't trust your own mother," Frodo said. "Gollum knows the way better than we do."

(And now, back to our heroes on the wild plains of Africa-er-Rohan)

"How'd our horses get here?"

"Shh, Gimli. Don't ask. Just be happy we don't have to walk the whole way to Rohan," Aragorn snapped, upset that since Gandalf was back, he wouldn't be the leader of the group anymore.

"We must make for Rohan with all haste-"

"Gandalf, you already said that," Azimah started, but the wizard cut her off with a magnanimous whistle. A great white horse came prancing up across the plain in slow motion.

"Ah, my old friend. It is good to see you again," Gandalf said as he gave the horse a hug.

"Gandalf, you do realize it's a horse, right? It can't-"

"That's one of the Mearas, isn't it Gandalf?" Legolas asked excitedly.

"Aw, Shadowfax, you've been a good boy, haven't you? Here's a treat," Gandalf said as he pulled out a giant sugar-cube from his beard.

"Okay! Let's get going!" Aragorn yelled as he swung majestically onto his horse.

"Do you need help again, Gimli?" Legolas asked, staring as the dwarf failed at getting on his horse.

"No, no. I can do it! I won't let some silly Elf-princeling-thinks-he's-better-than-me help me." And the dwarf let out a toot that sent him shooting up. He landed perfectly into Aragorn's saddle.

Meanwhile, Azimah hopped gleefully onto her horse, glad she was finally able to have the horse all to herself and not have to deal with Nora's back-seat driving. And yet…she missed the complaining-all-the-time-silly-potty-mouthed human. Azimah sniffled.

"Hi-yah!" Legolas shouted as he jumped behind Azimah on the horse. She turned to him with a yelp and a look of outrage, her eyes wide in shock. She attempted to snap at him, but was surprisingly lost for words. You see, about 356 years previous, Legolas had mastered the kicked-puppy look.

"Can I please ride with you? I've been stuck with Gimli this whole story and I don't think I can stand his smell much longer," Legolas begged, wrapping his arms around her waist. Azimah felt very uncomfortable.

The two looked over at the dwarf, who just smiled and let out a silent wind. Legolas looked at her again with his big puppy eyes working at full force. "Please?"

Azimah paused and tried not to look at him. She sighed. "Fine. But just this once!"

Legolas smiled and Azimah turned back, muttering something about hating puppy dog eyes.

"We must be off!" Gandalf yelled and charged off. Aragorn followed close behind to try to get ahead of him and lead the way. Gimli rode at the back of the line, again, due to his flatulence polluting the rest of the group. But he had trouble with the horse, and by the time they reached Rohan, he was hanging dangerously from the side of the saddle. When Legolas asked to help him again, he refused the Elf's help.

"No, I'm doing just fine, master-Elf. Just fine, didn't you know that this is how dwarves usually ride?"

"Ah-huh…"

"Why is that flag getting bigger?" Aragorn asked. Suddenly, a giant green flag flew in Aragorn's face and nearly knocked him off his horse.

"Mphfnflagargorgahyahrol…" he grumbled. He accidently guided his horse into the wall, letting out a string of muffled curses.

It was extremely quiet as they entered Edoras. All the townsfolk and local chickens had lined up on the side of the road, staring at the travelers with wide, hollow eyes.

"This place is…cheerful," Legolas said.

"Graveyards are more cheerful than this…" Gimli mumbled.

They rode up the hill to the top where they left their horses in valet parking. Gimli finally fell off his horse. He had difficulty walking for a few minutes.

"Listen, kid. There better not be one scratch on this horse when I come back for him, ya hear?" Aragorn growled as he handed the stable-boy the reigns.

Azimah slid off her horse quickly. Legolas hopped off behind her. "Well, that wasn't so bad, now was it—wah!"

Gandalf held onto Legolas's arm tightly, nearly cutting off his circulation. "I've got to act like I'm an old man," he said quietly.

"But Gandalf, you are an ol-" Gandalf just hit the Elf's ankle with his staff mid-sentence. He took an obnoxiously thick pair of bifocal reading glasses out of his beard and delicately put them on.

The wizard then proceeded to walk up the stairs laboriously, leaning on Legolas and wheezing. Azimah looked up at the guards, and then back at Gandalf. "Gandalf, I think you're overdoing the old man thing a little too much…"

"What!" Gandalf yelled. "Speak up, sonny. I'm a little hard of hearin'!"

Azimah sighed and rolled her eyes. Legolas snickered.

"I missed you, Gandalf," he muttered with a smile.

Just then, the doors opened and out walked a bunch of solemn looking guards lead by a redhead. As Gandalf made it to the top of the stairs, he grinned at them. All of them remained impassive except one man in the back who smiled brightly and waved to the wizard. His companion slapped him.

"We cannot allow you before Théoden so armed. Hand over your weapons," the ginger said.

Gandalf finally stood on his own two feet, leaning on his staff. This allowed Legolas to be free for a moment. He took out his bow and swords like a ninja and handed them to the guards. Aragorn handed his knife over, looking as though he were about to cry. He then unsheathed his sword and, kissing it goodbye, handed it over. Azimah lent Aragorn her hankie for a few minutes.

Gimli held his axe tightly. "You sure no one will touch it?"

"Yes, we will guard them well."

"I'll be the judge of that." And the dwarf farted on his axe. All the guards made funny faces. They quickly stepped out of the way as Gimli placed his axe next to his companions' weapons. Azimah giggled quietly as she put her weapons next to the others'.

"Okay, he will see you now," the ginger said. His eyes were wide and watery and a clothespin was on his nose. He opened the big doors and Aragorn shoved him out the way as he strolled into the big hall.

"The king is in the house!"

(And now for the rest of the group...)

The Entmoot had been coming along rather nicely. Merry and Pippin had volunteered to bring hummus and pita chips, seeing as they were guests. There wasn't much of a party scene because all the Ent ladies had left several decades before. The Ent dudes were starting to get desperate it seemed. Many hit on Treebeard as they came to say hello. Pippin and Merry were sitting on a nearby rock when Pippin heard something. It sounded like muffled yelling. He looked up and gasped at a bundle hanging from a nearby tree.

"Nora!" He yelled, running towards her.

"Oh no...sonny," said a willow who was wearing a "Hi, my names is Glen" nametag. "That there…. is an orc I found ….tromping over my side of the forest."

"It's a little…small to be an orc…isn't it?" commented Pete the Peach Tree.

"Hard to tell," said Pete the Pine Tree (Not to be confused with Pete the Peach Tree).

"Is it an Orc …or isn't it?" said a rather dashing Ash Tree, motioning to Nora. She had given up on struggling from the vines. The sight of Pippin and Merry seemed to calm her.

"I say… we hold an Entmoot over it," grumbled Bert the Birch tree.

"No!" exclaimed Pippin, "She'll be tied up all night!"

"She ain't an orc," Merry added, "She's a lass!"

"And what, Master Meriadoc, is a lass?" Treebeard asked.

"Y'know, a lady, a damsel, a maiden, a female counterpart?" Merry said. "If this is how you treated your women, I can see why they left, right Pip?"

Pippin was staring at Nora for a moment. "I'm sorry, Merry, what was that?"

The Ents seemed to be talking it over.

"Ugh, now she'll be there all night." Merry groaned. "I'm gonna go find the three of us something to eat."

Pippin sat on the ground and stared up at Nora. Nora met his eyes. He hadn't noticed before but they were really blue. It was getting a little awkward so Pippin tried to make conversation, but soon found that this was difficult while Nora was gagged. Sooner than expected, the Ents turned and Treebeard walked toward Pippin.

"We have concluded..." Treebeard began.

Long pause.....

"Yes?" Pippin asked anxiously.

"Since the two of you are...not orcs...we have...concluded..."

"Spit it out!" Pippin exclaimed.

"Manners, Master Peregrin, manners," Treebeard tutted.

Pippin rolled his eyes. Treebeard didn't notice. Nora let out a muffled laugh.

"We...have...decided to...trust your word," he finished, proud that he had completed a sentence. With that, he lifted the bundle of vines from the tree branch it had been hanging from and set it on the ground. Pippin flew at it with his sword drawn and began hacking at the greenery. Once Nora was free she tackled Pippin to the ground and soon they were rolling around, wrestling, and laughing in glee.

"Odd creatures," Treebeard said to himself.

Pippin and Nora had finally stopped rolling and were laughing till their sides hurt. Pippin finally collapsed, winded, but still giggling. And then he realized he was on top of her.

"Sorry Nora, I-" But his voice got caught in his throat. She was looking at him funny. And he realized he had missed her an awful lot. So he kissed her. He wanted to, so he did. It was warm and sweet, she didn't seem to mind. He felt her hands in his hair. This was possibly the best moment of Pippin's life since he had flown Bollo Hardbottle's knickers on the flag pole outside city hall.

"Oi!" Pippin broke off and scrambled away to see Merry had returned with an armful of nuts and apples.

"Hey, Merry, you got the food?" he said bashfully.

"Yeah, what in Tolkien's name happened here?" Merry demanded, smiling a little.

Nora looked at Pippin. "I'm not really sure how to explain..."

…………

Kevin: Well, it's been fun, but I really have to go.

Aggie: No! Don't you leave me like the rest!

Kevin: Listen, lady…

*Aggie tackles Kevin to the floor. Door opens, in steps Ginny and Moolie.*

Ginny: What is this…? Aggie, get off the pizza boy!

Moolie: I can never leave you on your own.

Aggie: It isn't what it looks like, I swear…

Kevin: Help me! She's senile!

Aggie: Shut it, little boy.

*Kevin manages to escape and runs out of the apartment, screaming.*

Moolie: Aw, you let him get away.

Aggie: We got a free pizza out of it.


	5. Azimah's Most Excellent Chapter

Moolie: It's Ginny's birthday!

Aggie: You geezer, you!

Ginny: Moolie, don't tell them that!

Moolie: Too late!

Ginny: I hate birthdays. I don't like growing up.

Peter Pan: You don't have to grow up.

Aggie: Where the hell did you come from!

…………

Chapter Five: Azimah's Most Excellent Chapter

"Es'cuse me," Gandalf said as he pushed past Aragorn, hitting his ankle with his staff.

"Look, look, it's that Gandalf the Grey. Last time I saw him, it was back in the seventies when he was Gandalf the Fuchsia…" someone muttered from the sidelines.

"What? We don't get a welcoming committee? Geez, Théoden, I thought you were known for your parties," Gandalf shouted, still leaning on Legolas's arm. The big doors shut with a loud BOOM! behind them.

"Uhm, this doesn't look good..." Azimah muttered, eyeing the guards following them.

"He's so…_old,_" Aragorn gasped as he stared at the ancient, smelly, wrinkly man sitting in the throne.

"He needs some lotion so his skin can be a luminous as mine," Legolas remarked.

"Ew, who's that guy?" Gimli whispered.

There was some grossly pale guy hunched over next to Théoden. He had really greasy hair. And no eyebrows…

"Tell them to go away. We don't like visitors!" he whined.

"Humbermumblegru mbleGandalfdumb le…" Théoden gurgled.

"Good, good," the pale man said. "You're late Gandalf! We don't like you!"

"Uh, you guys…" Azimah whispered, sounding just a little paranoid as she looked over at the guards again.

"More bad news? We don't like bad news, Gandalf, that's all you bring!" the man complained as he walked up in front of the wizard.

"I do believe he's going insane," Legolas said to Gimli.

"Shut it, Wormtounge, nobody wants to hear your whiny voice," Aragorn said with a yawn.

Wormtounge looked at him indignantly. "But I'm not finished!"

"Guys…" Azimah whispered again, tugging on Legolas' sleeve.

"Oh well, let's just get this over with," Gandalf said. "I didn't go through all that trouble of falling through water and fire and all that just so I could sit here and talk with some dickhead." And he pulled out his staff and thumped it on Wormtounge's head.

"His staff! You idiots, I told you to take it from him!"

"How did they not see his staff before this? He's had it the entire time," muttered Gimli.

"Uh, uh, guys- Guys!" Azimah yelped as the guards came running at them. She skipped to the side as a man dove at her. Legolas leaped angrily over to her and punched the guy in the face. Gimli was currently dragging behind a guard, holding his ankle.

"I've got 'im!" Gimli exclaimed triumphantly.

Aragorn kept doing magnificent hair flips as he punched the guards around him. Gandalf walked through the midst of this casually as if it were perfectly normal, speaking to the king in a loud voice.

"Théoden! To long have you been sitting in the shadows, it's about time you got some good healthy Vitamin D in you…"

Legolas did a back-handed punch to the man behind him.

"Ow!" Aragorn yelled, cupping his face. "Everybody, stop! Time- out!"

The room quieted as they watched Aragorn whimper in pain.

"Woah, sorry, man! Are…are you okay?" Legolas asked.

"No, no, I'm fine." Aragorn took a deep breath. "Okay, time-in."

Everyone started fighting again and Gandalf continued to speak.

Gimli charged at Wormtounge and farted on him, making the man fall over. The dwarf then stomped his foot on Wormtounge's chest. "There's more where that came from," Gimli growled. Wormtounge cowered in fear.

"I release you from your spell," Gandalf said.

Aragorn rolled his eyes. "Here we go with the fairy god-mother thing again…"

The king started to laugh manically. "Your power's useless here, Gandalf the Grey."

Gandalf smirked and raised his free hand to his robe. "No, ladies, this isn't a strip tease…" He then flung his grey robe off, revealing a fabulous new white robe. He slowly walked up to Theoden and raised his staff dramatically.

"This is gonna be so cool," a nearby guard commented.

Gandalf began hitting Theoden on the head repeatedly. "Get out! Get out! Get out!"

"This isn't in the script," Azimah said, flipping through her script booklet. "Is he improvising _again_?"

"GET OUT, SARUMAN!" Gandalf screamed. There was a final yell from Theoden as he fell to the floor, his color slowly coming back. Éowyn ran up and caught him. The king looked around, a totally bewildered look on his face.

Aragorn gasped. "Wait a sec, he's…he's not old anymore!"

Théoden stared at Éowyn, then at everyone else.

"Gandalf?"

"Breathe the free air again," the wizard said.

"Wow, there's so much air in here!" Théoden gasped as Éowyn helped him from his horse chair. There was a little donut pillow on the seat.

Everyone in the room bowed. Legolas kicked the back of Aragorn's knees, making him kneel reluctantly.

"No, I am a king too! I don't have to bo-mfgh!" he said through gritted teeth until Gandalf hit him.

The wizard cleared his throat. "Sword?"

The ginger came up with Théoden's sword and the king took it.

"By the power of Grayskull," Theoden said, raising his sword up like He-Man. "I HAVE THE POWER!"

"Right," Aragorn mumbled.

Théoden's eyes narrowed as he caught sight of Wormtounge. Gimli was holding his cloak like a leash.

*scene switchhhhhhh*

"Ayeeeeeee!"

"Geez, Wormtounge screams like a little girl."

"Shut up, Gimli, this is a most powerful moment!"

Théoden stomped down the stairs after Wormtounge, his little tiara making him look so….menacing.

"I thought we were friends!" the pale man yelled. "I even made you that friendship bracelet!"

"It never fit me," Theoden hissed. "You've ruined my household and stalked my niece! Be gone, fiend!"

He swung the sword over his head dramatically. Meanwhile, Aragorn was flipping through the script. "That's my cue!"

He ran forward and tackled Theoden to the ground.

"No, my Lord! Don't kill him!" he said. "If you split a worm in half, you get two worms!"

Wormtounge shoved through the crowd that had gathered outside and ran away.

"Hail, Theoden, King!"

Theoden turned to his subjects and raised his arms.

Aragorn looked around in envy and shouted, "And Aragorn! Yay!"

Eowyn looked at Azimah and smiled.

"I don't think we've met. I'm Éowyn," she said.

"Azimah," said Azimah. They shook hands.

"I want to thank you for what you and your friends did this afternoon," Éowyn said, "Especially Lord Aragorn. He's so strong and manly and-"

"He is sooooooo taken," Legolas said.

"Ahhhh!" Azimah said in surprise. "Stop sneaking up on me!"

"Sorry, you know me," Legolas winked at Éowyn, "poised like a panther!"

He tiptoed sneakily away. The girls watched in silence.

"Is he...you know?" Éowyn asked.

"No, he's just very feminine sometimes," Azimah said, shaking her head.

"Aw, it's so cute, though," Eowyn said, smiling.

"No. No it's not."

*Another scene switch! Yay!*

"Look!" Gandalf cried, pointing at the horse approaching. "Chillren!"

And so they took the children and fed them food. Gandalf took pictures of them and posted them all around Edoras with a note that said, "Found. Two kids. Please call 555-5555."

Gandalf was now consulting Théoden about war with Orcs and such.

Meanwhile, at the table…

"Ew Gimli, don't you know how to use a napkin?" asked Azimah.

"Napkins? Napkins are for ninnies! Dwarves use their beards!" And Gimli promptly burped.

Azimah closed her eyes. "I need some fresh air…" And she left the room.

"Helm's Deep! I will take my people to Helm's Deep!"

"No, no, no! Haven't you listened to a word I sa-?"

The king glared at Gandalf.

_"._..We must seek safety in Helm's Deep," Théoden said firmly, "That's my final decision."

Aragorn rolled his eyes dramatically, "Well it's a bad one in my opinion."

Théoden whirled around, "Hey, who's the king here?"

"I'd be a better king than you!" Aragorn shouted.

"But did you accept when Elrond told you to take your place? Nooooooo, you had to go have a mid-life crisis and be a smelly ranger!" Théoden yelled back.

"At least I have a sense of modesty!" Aragorn screamed across the hall.

"Did I hear that wrong?" Legolas muttered to Gimli. Gimli chuckled merrily.

"Modesty!" yelled Théoden, puffing his chest up more than needed. (honestly, it looked like he was trying to trap a fart) "I can teach you a thing or two about modesty!"

"QUIET!" roared Gandalf. Everyone in the room fell silent. "If Théoden wants to go to Helm's Deep, it's his decision, Aragorn." Théoden stuck out his tongue at Aragorn. "But," Gandalf continued, "Théoden, you need to work on your teamwork skills."

Théoden pouted and sat in his horse chair.

Gimli stood and stretched, "I suppose this means we depart soon?"

"Yes," Gandalf replied, "And for Pete's sake, where's Azimah? She's always drifting off somewhere..."

"I'll go get her!" Legolas offered brightly. He hurried out of the room. Aragorn shot an amused look at Gimli. Gimli simply took a swig of his ale and sighed, "He'd better tell her soon or we'll all die before she knows..."

*Yet another scene switch*

Azimah sat happily in the rippling grass a little ways outside the city. There was plenty of new wind here; she could get some great information about the enemy if the wind would simply calm down.

_Hello dear, lovely day, isn't it?_

'Yes, thank you, I'm trying to see if there is any suspicious Orc activity in the area?'

_Oh those silly Orcs, rather boring if you ask me, now a mother rabbit just had a litter nearby, sweetest little dears. I could tell you where those are._

'No I really just-'

_Or what about some wildflowers blooming just a few steps away? They'd go lovely in your hair._

'No, I want to know-'

_Or how about that dashing young fellow headed your way?_

'What?' Azimah thought, quickly scrambling to her feet and readjusting her veil. Sure enough, there was Legolas riding at full speed towards her. The thing was he didn't seem to be slowing down.

'What is he doing?' Azimah thought. Legolas was just a few yards from her now, still riding at full speed. 'He's just trying to frighten me. He'll pull up at the last minute. That used to scare me when we were kids.' Azimah thought, 'Well I'll spoil his fun.' She turned around and looked pointedly in the other direction. 'Hehe, you can't get me this time-' And then the ground disappeared beneath her. She felt a strong arm snatch her of her feet and easily deposit her on the horse. Azimah instinctively clung to the closest thing possible.

"Did I frighten you, my lady?" Legolas murmured in her ear.

Azimah felt her face grow hot. She stumbled around for something to say and finally managed, "Keep your eyes on the damn road." Legolas laughed and guided the horse back to Edoras.

When they reached the stables, Azimah jumped off the horse as quickly as possible and went to go talk to Gandalf. Legolas led his horse back to its stall when he felt a nudge at his ribs. He looked down to find Gimli giving him a quizzical look. "So how did it go?"

Legolas sighed and punted the dwarf into a nearby hay bale. "No, not the hay!" Gimli yelled.

Meanwhile, Gandalf was giving some last minute advice.

"Look for my coming, at first light on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east."

"And if you're not there at dawn?" Azimah asked.

"Well, at 8:30 look southeast and at noon I'd say just follow the yellow brick road," Gandalf said. He then hopped magnificently onto his pony and pranced away.

"Well that's a lot of help," Aragorn groaned.

"Stop yer whining," Gimli grunted from the hay pile. "He'll probably come back at the last minute with a battalion of reinforcements that will win the fight for us."

"Oh come on, that's never gonna happen," Aragorn said. "It'll be up to me and my manly king skills to win the battle."

"Wanna bet on it?" Gimli challenged.

"Winner gets twenty bucks?"

"You are so on!"

Azimah sighed. "Whatever. I'm gonna go pack."

"What?" Aragorn asked. "We've only been here a day. There's nothing to pack!"

"Shut it," Azimah muttered as she walked away.

"Girls are weird," Gimli said.

*Last scene switch, hang in there.*

Azimah was walking back to her room to start packing when she felt an arm come out of nowhere and rest on her shoulder.

"Need any help packing?" Legolas asked.

"AAHH!" Azimah screamed in surprise.

Legolas laughed, "You are so high strung, Azimah."

"Why must you keep doing that?" Azimah said as she recovered from her small feminine heart attack.

"To see the look on your face."

"You can't even see my face."

"Touché, but what would you do without me?"

"Life would be a whole lot easier."

"Aw, come on!"

"I guess I would miss you sometimes." Azimah sighed, annoyed.

"Score!" Legolas said in delight. He bowed deeply. "I must depart," then took her hand and kissed it. "Until we meet again, my lady." He then dashed away as quickly as he had come.

Azimah ran into her room and slammed the door. "He is...so...bizarre!"

She began packing furiously to calm her nerves. As she seized a pile of clothes to shove in her bag, a little something tumbled to the floor. She picked it up. It was the rag doll her father had given her before he left. Amari's doll. Azimah sunk onto the bed and turned the little doll over in her hands.

(Hooray for Flashbacks!)

"I don't see why everyone's so happy," Sam said. "We could be killed at any moment."

"Come on Sam," Merry said, "Lighten up! We've got Aragorn and the Elves to protect us."

"Hey!" said Boromir, "What about-"

"Yeah, plus the Elves are immortal," Pippin added, "That means they can't die, like, ever."

"That's not what it really means," Legolas said."We can die if someone stabs us or poisons us."

"Or from a broken heart," Azimah said quietly.

(Aw, the Flashback's over.)

Azimah put her head in her hands. "He might die in battle. Azimah, what do you think you're doing?"

…………

Aggie: Cake's ready!

Ginny: That's a really crappy cake. I thought Moolie was gonna make that.

Aggie: Oh, she's not here.

Ginny: What?

Aggie: Yeah, I don't know where she is.

Ginny: You didn't think to tell me this sooner?

Aggie: I was too busy MAKING YOU A CAKE!

Ginny: Wait a minute…where's Peter Pan?


	6. Vegetable Soup

Moolie: I'm back! And I come bearing gifts!

Aggie: Gifts from Neverland? Awesome!

Ginny: Is that pixie dust?

Moolie: Wait, Ginny, I have to tell you the rules first…

Ginny: *jumps out the window* It doesn't work!

Moolie: You have to think happy thoughts, Ginny.

Aggie: *sigh* Anyway, we apologize ahead of time for this chapter.

…...

Chapter Six: Vegetable Soup

Life in the care of Treebeard was, for lack of better words, drop dead boring. And the food was horrible. The Ents were having their third day-long coffee break. Needless to say, the Entmoot was going nowhere.

Merry and Pippin thought they had done well making their campaign speech on the benefits of going to war. However, the Ents were hard of hearing and, to them, it sounded like a presentation about two oompa-loompas riding a wagon to the saxophone store where they sold cheeseburgers (Sorry about that last sentence. The writers have gone on less than 3 hours of sleep for the past few days.).

Currently, Merry was off trying to find some food and Pippin was trying to make conversation with Nora for the first time since two chapters ago.

"I like your hat, Nora," he said. "Where'd you get it?"

"The Gap of Rohan," she answered.

"Oh, maybe we could go together some time."

Nora thought about her last experience at the Gap of Rohan. "I think we'd do better at the Gap of Gondor," she said quickly.

"So it's a date, then?" Pippin said hopefully.

"Uh…" Nora said. "About that…"

"GUYS! You won't believe what I found!" Merry shouted as he came running into the clearing. "Dude, this is most excellent."

Nora took the opportunity to hightail it out of the clearing.

"Where did you say it was, Merry?" she said as she rounded the bend. "Whoa…"

Before her lay a garden containing the biggest vegetables she had ever seen.

"They must be getting the same weird water that the Ents do," Pippin said.

"But that would mean," Merry began.

"HELLOOOO!"

The three jumped at the sudden flamboyant voice.

"Where did that come from?" Nora asked.

"DOWN HERE!"

"Oh…my…Tolkien," Merry muttered.

The three were looking down at a rather large asparagus stalk with lovely, luscious, luminous locks of hair.

"Merry," Pippin whispered. "Is the asparagus talking?"

Merry simply stood speechless.

"I'm _Aaa_ldeer," the asparagus said in a familiar voice. "You've come at the right t_iii_me, we were just holding a c_ooo_uncil."

The asparagus led them into a cornfield. In the center of the field was a giant table, at which numerous vegetables were seated.

"And so, the only way to save Middle Garden is to take the Bean of Power and deposit it in the Compost Heap of Doom," said a melon with the nametag 'Melrond'.

"But it is a gift!" said a beet with the nametag 'Borobeet'. "Why not use this bean?"

"You cannot wield it!" said a cucumber. "None of us can!"

"And what would a cucumber know of this matter?"

A squash jumped to his lack of feet. "This is no mere cucumber. He is Ear-of-corn, son of Ear-of-thorn. You owe him your allegiance."

"Sit down!" said a veiled carrot.

"That carrot looks awfully familiar," Nora said.

"They all look familiar," Merry said. "Can't put my finger on it, though…"

"I know," said Pippin. "What are we missing here?"

"Thank you for your words, Leg-o-lamb," said a bearded zucchini.

"Then who will go on this perilous quest?" said a rather grumpy-looking tomato.

"I will," said a pale potato with bright blue eyes.

"Alfrodo Baggypants?" the zucchini said.

"Though I do not know the way," the potato continued nervously.

"I will help you bear this burden," said the zucchini as he stood up. "As long as it is your burden to bear."

"Thank you, Randalf."

The cucumber stood as well and hopped over to Alfrodo. "You have my sword," he said, raising a toothpick majestically into the air.

"And you have my bow."

"Sit down!"

"And my axe," said Grumpy the Tomato, raising a bottle of Axe.

"No, honey, don't go!" yelled a pineapple wearing a lot of makeup and a messy bun atop her head.

"Oh, my sweet Bunnie," Grumpy said. "I must go!"

"I'll come, too," a tiny sweet potato said timidly.

Alfrodo looked at the sweet potato and blushed.

"Wait for meeeee!" a giant potato yelled as he ran forward.

"Hamwise Yamgee, what are you doing at our most secret meeting of secrets?" yelled Melrond.

A group of serious carrots were quietly conversing. Finally, they turned to face the group. "We will send my son, Gaylib."

Suddenly, a bird swooped down and snatched Gaylib the Carrot away. There was a moment of silence.

"…Nevermind. We will send my daughter, Shnazimah."

A celery stalk coughed and pushed a smaller one out of her chair. "I'll go, too!" he said in a falsetto voice.

"And what's your name, dear?" Melrond asked.

"Well, it's kinda long…" the smaller celery stalk said. "You can just call me Flora."

"Aw, she's cute," said Pippin. Nora shot him a weird glance. "For a celery stalk, I mean," he mumbled.

"We're coming, too!" said two little voices. Everyone turned to the surrounding corn stalks to see two curly-haired potatoes hopping towards the table.

"I, Sherry Brandybottle, and my cousin Pepper are coming on this quest as well!" the smarter potato of the two said. The dumber one just smiled and nodded.

"Nine companions-"

"Twelve."

"Twelve companions. You will form the Fellowship of the Bean!"

The table suddenly collapsed. The meeting had ended.

"Well," Merry said. "That was weird."

Pippin nodded. "I'm hungry."

Merry smiled at him. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Ten minutes later…

"Ah! Please, stop this!" a potato screamed from the boiling pot of vegetable soup.

"Merry, where'd you put the lid?" Nora asked. "This is slightly disturbing."

There was no response.

"Merry?"

"He went to go find some herbs," Pippin said.

"Oh," said Nora awkwardly, realizing she was alone with Pippin. Thankfully, Treebeard came galumphing in.

"Ah… I see… you've discovered… Saruman's vegetable garden…"

"That explains a lot," Nora said, desperately searching for the lid of the pot to muffle the screams of the poor vegetables.

(Now, off to the tiny people group.)

"Fishy!"

_Splash!_

"Yo, stinker!" Sam yelled after Gollum. "Don't go runnin' off too far ahead."

"Why do you do that?" Frodo asked him.

"Do what?"

"Call him names. Run him down all the time."

"Because, Mr. Frodo," Sam said defensively. "Because that's what he is. There's naught left in him but lies and deceit."

Frodo was about to answer when he saw Fado walking up ahead. She was blinking furiously and trying to wave off something that wasn't there.

"Fado…?" Frodo said. She whirled around.

"_**What do you want?" **_she said in a strange voice, and then went back to blinking furiously. She stared at them for a moment. Her eyes seemed to go back to normal.

"What's wrong?" Frodo asked tentatively.

"Oh…" Fado looked embarrassed. "Nothing. I'll go and fetch Gollum." She then quickly turned and ran after the skinny creature.

"Well," Sam said. "That was weird."

Frodo paused for a moment. "Shut up, Sam."

That night, Fado ate her dinner and went to bed without a word to anyone. Sam was quickly snoring and Gollum was performing a puppet show for himself using Sam's knickers.

Frodo sat quietly by Fado who lay curled on her sleep mat.

"You okay?" he said gingerly.

"Yeah," she mumbled.

"Really?" he said suspiciously.

She sighed. "Frodo?"

"Mm-hmm?"

"Do you have the feeling that…there's a darkness growing inside of you?"

Frodo sat surprised for a moment. "Yeah, I mean with the Ring and all."

"Like one that might consume your entire being so that your identity is lost forever and what's left of you becomes a flaming creature of death?"

"Um…yeah…except not...," Frodo said awkwardly. "Fado why didn't you tell me about this earlier?"

"Because I was afraid that you guys might dump me somewhere for being dangerous," she said. Then she rolled over and looked at him with wide eyes. "You won't, will you?"

"Never," he said firmly.

"And you promise you won't let anyone use me as a weapon?" Fado said, grabbing his hand.

"I promise," he said.

"Good." She yawned and nodded off to sleep.

Frodo watched her for a moment. He tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. He then checked to make sure Sam was sleeping and bent down and kissed her gently on the forehead.

Frodo awoke the next morning to the sound of someone whimpering. He looked over to see Fado thrashing violently around in her sleep.

"_**You can't hide forever…**_Just leave me alone!..._**You know you're growing weaker. You are getting closer to Mordor. I'm getting stronger with each passing day…**_No, please! Leave me alone!"

"Fado!" Frodo said, shaking her. "Fado, wake up!"

"I'm up!" Sam said, suddenly popping up from his bedroll.

"Not you!" Frodo shouted, still shaking Fado. Fado opened her eyes and Frodo glimpsed the grey turning back to green. She looked up at him.

"I'm sorry," she whispered before she began to cry.

"What did fat hobbit do to Mummy!" Gollum screamed when he saw the scene before him. He immediately tackled Sam and began beating him with a stick.

"Please, Sméagol!" Frodo said. "Stop that!"

Gollum did as he was told. "Good Sméagol will go get Mummy breakfast," he offered.

…...

Moolie: So we came back from the hospital. It seems Ginny will be on bed rest for a few days.

Aggie: Moolie, if Ginny's on the couch, where am I supposed to sleep?

Moolie: You can have Ginny's bunk!

Ginny: Nooooo!

Moolie: Don't strain yourself, Ginevra, dear.

Ginny: Do you remember the last time Aggie _bathed_?

Moolie: No…

Ginny: Neither do I!

Aggie: Actually…neither do I…


	7. Adopt a Pickle!

Moolie: Aggie, go take a freakin' bath!

Aggie: No!

Moolie: Ginny, a little help here?

Ginny: Sorry, I can't. I'm on bed rest, remember?

Moolie: Aggie, I swear!

Aggie: You'll never catch me alive!

Ginny: Then kill her, Moolie.

…

Chapter Seven: Adopt a Pickle!

It had grown hotter over the past few days in Fangorn Forest. Pippin and Merry had taken off their jackets and undone their top buttons. Nora had taken off her heavy dress and boots, leaving her in just black leggings and a white underdress. Taking off her heavy clothes, however, did not seem to cool Nora, who was not used to heat like this.

"It's so damn hot!" she said one afternoon.

"Yes, it is," Merry said. The two sat under a tree, trying to avoid the sun.

Nora looked around. "Where's Pippin?"

Merry smirked at her. "Aw, how cute."

"What?" Nora asked. "I just want to know where he is. Don't you?"

Merry shaded his eyes as the sun reappeared from a cloud. "Not really. He always manages to show up."

"Hello!" the two heard Pippin shout.

"See?"

Pippin walked up to them with a placid smile. He held in his hand a strange bowl.

"Pip," Merry said. "What do you have there?"

Pippin looked down at the bowl and made a face, as if he had just realized what he was holding. "Uh..."

"Is that water?"

"Yes," Pippin said slowly.

Merry stood up and studied Pippin. "Aren't you shorter than me?"

"No," Pippin said. "I've always been taller than you."

"You have not!" Merry said. He looked at the bowl of water and his eyes widened. "It's the water, isn't it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You've found the Ent water!" Merry said. "The stuff that makes the Ents grow taller! Give me some!"

Merry quickly took the bowl from Pippin's hands and drank half the water.

"Can I have some?" Nora asked from under the tree.

"No," Pippin responded, taking the bowl of water back from Merry.

"But it's really hot! And I'm really thirsty!"

"He just doesn't want you to get any taller than him," Merry said, smirking as he wiped the water from his lips.

Pippin blushed but didn't deny it. Nora stood up and walked up to him.

"Hm, you are rather taller," she said, measuring Pippin's height with her hand. "See, you used to come up to around my belly button. But now..."

Pippin's face got even redder as Nora raised her hand to her chest.

"Lovely view, isn't it, Pip?" Merry mocked, breaking the brief silence. Pippin glared at Merry, but before he could say anything, Nora started wrestling him for the bowl of water.

"Give me the water!" she shouted in between fits of laughter.

"You're gonna make me spill it all!" Pippin shouted back.

Nora finally stopped struggling to get the bowl and sat on the ground. Pippin sat next to her, eyeing her curiously. She had been acting a bit strange over the last few days. Perhaps their little romantic scene had made her uncomfortable. Pippin had been meaning to talk to her about it, but she always seemed to want to change the subject.

"...Are you two gonna make out again?" Merry asked suddenly.

Pippin's face grew hot once more. "Merry!"

"What?" Merry shrugged. "Just give me a warning next time it happens, okay?"

Nora noticed that Pippin was off gaurd. The bowl was unprotected...

With one final lunge, she grabbed for the water, sending the bowl flying, the water going everywhere.

"You spilt it all!" exclaimed Pippin and he tackled her.

Merry sighed as he watched them wrestle around in the wet grass.

"It'll happen anytime now," he muttered to himself.

And then, as if on cue, Pippin's lips found Nora's.

"What did I tell you." Merry grinned.

The two lay still for a moment. This time, Nora broke away, looking confused and embarressed. She rolled away and stood up, brushing herself off.

"I...uh..I have to go." She mumbled and quickly walked away.

Pippin knelt in the grass, looking a little hurt.

"I just don't understand her..." He said quietly.

Merry hopped down off his tree limb and placed an arm across Pippin's shoulders. "Pippin my lad, there's a thing or two you need to know about women..."

"You know, you're right! You don't see many dwarf women!" said Gimli. "In fact, they're so alike in voice and appearance, that they're often mistaken for dwarf men!"

Éowyn looked back at Aragorn.

"It's the beards," he whispered, making her laugh.

Suddenly, Gimli's horse lunged forward, causing him to topple to the ground. His axe went flying into the air.

"I'm alright!" he exclaimed. "That was deliberate, I swear it!"

"You nearly chopped my head off!" one man in the crowd said indignantly. "That axe is a hazard!"

"Oh, quit yer whinin'!" Gimli shouted. "Go put some water on it or something!"

Up ahead, Azimah and Legolas were sharing an Elvish laugh. Azimah was riding Gary the Horse as Legolas walked beside her.

"That Gimli," Legolas said with a laugh.

"Wait a second," Azimah said. "Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"Listen."

"Pickles! Pickles for sale!"

"What is that?" Legolas said.

"Adopt a pickle, everyone! Adopt one today!"

Azimah turned slowly and saw a portly man standing by a cart with the sign 'P. Jackson's Pickle Farm'.

"Would anyone care for a pickle?" he shouted as he walked closer to the parade of people, pushing the cart in front of him. "How about you, sir?"

"Oh dear…" Legolas said.

"I would _love_ one!" Gimli responded, his face growing even redder. He reached in his pocket to find his wallet. Azimah turned to Legolas.

"We can't let him have a pickle," she said. "They make him extra gassy!"

Legolas's face contorted in horror. "He'll stink up the whole train!"

"I'll go back," Azimah said.

"The fate of Rohan depends on it," Legolas said solemnly. "May the blessings of Mirkwood be upon you."

Azimah nodded and began galloping back to where the pickle man was stationed. As Gimli handed the pickle man his dollar, Azimah jumped off the horse and tackled the dwarf to the ground.

"Don't do it, Gimli!" she shouted. "Don't give in to temptation!"

"It's just a bloody pickle!" Gimli yelled, struggling to get off the ground. Azimah held him in a headlock. She motioned to Aragorn, who walked forward and told the pickle man to buzz off.

"Maybe we'll meet again in the near future," the pickle man told Aragorn.

Aragorn shook his head. "I don't see that happening."

The pickle man just threw his head back in maniacal laughter before trotting off with his cart.

"Well," Aragorn said, watching the pickle man slowly disappear. "That was bizarre."

(On to the little people group.)

Frodo awoke from his nap to a loud thump and a bundle being dropped onto his lap. He looked down and saw two dead rabbits.

"Well, that's not very sanitary," he said quietly.

"We brought breakfast, Precious!" Gollum yelled happily.

Sam came and picked up the rabbits. "I know just what to do with these!"

Fifteen minutes later…

"Nooo! That ruins it!" Gollum screamed as he rolled around on the ground. "Stupid, fat hobbit!"

Sam simply ignored him. "What this needs is a few good taters," he said wistfully. "Speaking of which, Fado, could you check my backpack. I may have put a few in there for safe-keeping."

Fado ran to Sam's pack and began rummaging for the potatoes.

"Hey guys," she yelled. "Look what I found!"

The three others gathered around Fado to see she held a photograph.

"Hey, isn't that…" Sam began.

"The group photo! I forgot all about it!" Frodo said happily.

"What is it, Precious?" Gollum asked, confused.

"Lord Elrond took it on our last day at Rivendell," Fado said. She handed it to Frodo.

(Woop, woop! Flash back!)

"Everybody get together, now!" Elrond said as he set up his old-timey camera.

Boromir stepped into the courtyard in a dirty t-shirt. "Hey, guys."

"Boromir, you hobo!" Aragorn yelled as he stood in his fancy clothing. "Go put on some nice clothes!"

"Fine!" Two minutes later, Boromir returned in the same t-shirt with a bowtie around his neck. "Better?"

Aragorn nodded. "Much better."

Gimli walked into the courtyard, his beard nicely combed. He looked at Aragorn, whose face was clean shaven, and burst into laughter.

"Shut up…" Aragorn mumbled.

"Where are the ladies?" Merry asked, his hair smoothed back for this special occasion. All the hobbits had put on their best vests.

"I'm coming!" Nora shouted as she rushed into the courtyard. She wore one of Arwen's dresses. Unfortunately, it was a bit long on her, so she kept tripping over the hem.

"You look nice," Pippin said quietly. Merry snorted behind him.

"Well, there's one," Gandalf said, getting a bit antsy in his ruffled fuchsia robe and rainbow sunglasses.

Azimah slowly walked out wearing a formal red dress from her homeland. Legolas smiled at her.

"I remember that dress," he said. "You wore that dress when I brought you to homecoming."

"I hated wearing it then, too," Azimah replied dryly.

"Are we all here?" Elrond asked.

"No," Frodo said quickly. "Where's Fado?"

They heard voices from the building. "Come on, dear, don't be shy," Arwen said.

Fado walked cautiously into the courtyard wearing an icy blue dress from Arwen's childhood. There was a collective "Aw" from the group. She quickly ran to Gandalf's side.

"You almost look as fabulous as I, dear," he said with a smile.

"You do look lovely, Fado," Frodo said. Fado blushed.

"Alright, everybody get ready!" Elrond said. "Settle down, now. Shift that way. No, to the left. A little to the right…okay…now everyone, this is a formal photograph…one…two…three!"

(End of flashback.)

The group gazed at the picture. In the right corner, Fado hid her face bashfully in Gandalf's ostentatious robe. Gimli smiled widely with his eyes closed. Pippin and Merry stood together, each giving the other one bunny ears with their fingers. Frodo was the only serious one in the picture. Azimah stood purposely separate from Legolas, who was giving the thumbs up and grinning combo. Nora stood next to them, sticking her tongue out at the camera. And in the upper left corner, Boromir and Aragorn were strangling each other.

"Hey," Sam said. "Where am I?"

"Oh, that's right. You were late," Fado said.

"Oh."

"Ah, good times," Frodo said, pocketing the photo.

Sam went to sneak himself a taste of his rabbit stew. Frodo heard a noise. "What…?" He wandered away into the bushes.

"Come on, Sam," Fado said, dragging him away from the stew pot to follow Frodo. He lay hiding on the edge of a cliff, overlooking the activity below.

"What's going on?" whispered Fado, plopping down next to him. Frodo simply pointed to the hundreds of menacing men marching below.

"They look kind of like Azimah," Sam said.

"That's racist, Sam," muttered Fado.

"Who are they?" Frodo asked.

"Wicked men from the South," said Gollum. "Servants of Sauron."

"OMG, an Oliphaunt!" Sam clapped his hands excitedly. "If only my old Gaffer could see me now!"

"Kodak moment!" Fado said cheerfully, pulling out her little disposable camera. Frodo, Sam, and Gollum all smiled for the picture. "Just a moment, let me wait for the Oliphaunt to get in the picture…alright, everyone, say cheese!"

"Cheese!"

"Cheese and potatoes!"

"Cheese, Precious!"

Fado snapped the photo. "That was great, guys, now just one mo-"

That was when they heard the sounds of men screaming. It seemed that the army below was being attacked by snipers in the bushes. Gollum became very nervous and scampered away.

"I'll go get him," Fado said. Off she went.

Frodo and Sam continued to watch the carnage below.

"Wait a minute," Frodo said. "Why are we watching people getting killed? That's sick! Let's go, Sam."

He got up and walked a few paces.

"Come on, Sam, your stew's gonna burn."

At this, Sam got up quickly and began dashing towards the camp. Frodo laughed. Food always did the trick. Then he turned and walked straight into a cloaked figure.

"You are now being captured by Faramir and his band of Merry Men!" the man said.

Frodo looked up, confused. "You mean…"

Faramir's eyes widened. "No! We're straight, just…merry."

Frodo didn't seem totally convinced. "Ah…"

(And now, back to Fangorn Forest, where Merry has just finished up his little talk with Pippin.)

"And that's about all you need to know about the ladies, Pip," Merry said. Pippin sat wide-eyed and speechless.

"Uh…Pippin?"

"Why?" Pippin finally managed to say. "Why did you tell me all of that?"

…

(All is quiet in the apartment. A plate of cupcakes sits on the table. Aggie appears from hiding in a pile of dirty laundry. She looks around cautiously.)

Aggie: Maybe just one…

(She reaches for a cupcake.)

Moolie: Now, Donald!

Donald: Haroo! (Aggie is tackled to the ground by the whale. Elephant the Puppy helps drag her into the bathroom.)

Aggie: No, not the strawberry-scented kind!


	8. Back to the Drawing Board!

Aggie: I hate being clean…

Moolie: Sorry this chapter took so long folks! We had to wash the grime off in several stages.

Ginny: But I'm all better! The doctor even says so! Look! *Shows smiley sticker*

….

Chapter Eight: Back to the drawing board!

"Where did you find a chalkboard in the middle of Fangorn Forest?"

"Don't question my methods, Pip!" Merry yelled, smacking the chalkboard with a yardstick. "If you want to impress Nora, you better listen to me!"

"But, Merry-"

"Who's the ladies' man here?" Merry shouted.

Pippin looked down. "You are."

"That's right," Merry said with a smile. "Now, initiating 'Plan A'!"

Pippin found Nora throwing rocks at squirrels. He cleared his throat.

"Oh, hi, Pippin," Nora said. "What's up?"

"Uh, um…" Pippin muttered. "Do you have a Band-Aid?"

Before he could finish his pick-up line, Nora cut in. "No, Pippin, I gave you my last one in Moria. Remember?"

She ran off to find more rocks as Pippin finished his line. "Because I scraped my knee falling for you…"

"Go for it!" Merry whispered from behind a bush. Pippin sighed and followed Nora.

"Do you, uh…do you have a map?" Pippin asked.

Nora turned around. "You're rather needy today." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a folded map. "Here's a map of the forest."

Pippin took the map and looked at it disappointedly. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," she said, and went on throwing rocks at small animals. Pippin turned around and walked back to where Merry was waiting.

"Merry, I don't think this is working," he said.

"Well," Merry said with a sigh. "Back to the drawing board!"

(Scene switch to the little people group.)

"Mr. Frodo, I'm hungry."

"Shut it, Sam!"

"But Mr. Frodo-"

"Sam! We're being captured. I don't think we have much decision here!"

Frodo and Sam felt the blindfolds being untied.

"Aaaaagh!" Sam screamed. "The light!"

"It's pretty dim in here actually…" Faramir muttered.

"Aaaaggh!" Sam yelped in surprise. "Where did you come from?"

"Shut up and eat a salad! I live here!" Faramir yelled back. Then he muttered, "Temporarily" under his breath.

"You know you look awfully familiar." Frodo said, scratching his head.

"I do?" Faramir said suspiciously.

"Yeah! You look like one of our friends!" Sam said brightly. "But who?"

"Right on the tip of my tongue…" Frodo said.

"Not Gandalf, definitely not Legolas…maybe Gimli?"

"Nah, he doesn't reek."

"He's too pale to be related to Azimah."

"That's racist Sam."

"Boromir! That's it!"

"Yeah! He's got the big nose!"

Faramir recovered from the last comment and frowned.

"You two were friends with Boromir?" He said quietly.

Frodo and Sam exchanged glances. "Sort of…"

"Well, sorry to tell you, but he's dead."

"Wait, WHAT?"

Just then, two soldiers came tromping in. One soldier's hair was on fire.

"Damrod! Bergil! What kept you guys so long?" Faramir said. "I simply told you to scout the surrounding area for anyone else."

"There was someone else," said Damrod. "Two someones, actually."

"Well," Faramir said. "Where are they?"

"Got away!" said Bergil, whose hair was still on fire. "There was a dirty creature. He was skin and bones, really. Kinda gross."

Sam looked nervously at Frodo. Frodo kept a blank face.

"There was a girl there, too," said Damrod, grinning. "Prettiest little thing, like a doll, almost. Green eyes, curly hair. Shame she's so short."

Faramir put his head in his hands."So you're telling me," he said softly. "That two of Gondor's finest soldiers lost to a creepy, skinny dude and a pretty midget?"

"Hey, that chick had powers beyond belief," Damrod said in his defense.

"Yeah, you wouldn't believe it. She could shoot fireballs and stuff," Bergil said, pointing to his smoldering hair.

"You mean a flame Sprite?" said Faramir's co-captain, Madril. "A flame Sprite would certainly be an asset to Gondor's defenses."

"Friends of yours?" Faramir asked Frodo and Sam.

"No," Frodo answered a little too quickly. "We came alone."

"Mm-hmm…" Faramir said suspiciously. "Well, off you go."

Sometime later…

Frodo was having the loveliest dream about Fa-

"Get up!"

Frodo jumped and looked around. "What? I'm up! I'm up!"

"You must come with me," Faramir said. "Quickly."

Frodo accompanied Faramir outside. He turned a corner to see Faramir standing on a ledge by the waterfall. He motioned to Frodo. "Down there."

As Frodo neared the edge he heard something distressingly familiar.

"Forbidden Pool is nice and cool. So juicy sweet!" Gollum sang.

Frodo looked over the edge to see Gollum diving happily in the Forbidden Pool. And there, splashing her feet cheerfully in the shallows, to Frodo's dismay, was Fado.

(Back at the drawing board…)

"So, after much thought and effort," Merry began. "I have come up with another plan."

He pulled his cloak off the chalkboard to reveal elaborate blueprints of fancy houses.

"Behold! 'Plan B'!"

"What is it?" Pippin asked.

"Why, my dear cousin," Merry said, shaking his head. "Can't you see? We build a tree house!"

Pippin was silent for a moment. "You're a genius."

After much hammering and sawing, Merry and Pippin stood back to admire their work.

"It's really not much, Pip. Just a two-story bungalow complete with a patio and an indoor pool."

"Uh, Merry…"

"I'm quite proud of us, actually. We did very well."

"Merry, I think our dimensions were a bit off…"

Pippin picked up the tiny house they had built and placed it in a bush.

"But," Merry said. "It has a lovely view!"

"No one would be able to fit in there, Merry!" Pippin argued.

Merry sighed. "Okay, okay. Let's try again."

After much hammering and sawing, Merry and Pippin stood back to admire their work a second time.

"Well, it's not as nice as how we imagined it," Merry said as the door of the tree house fell off.

"But again, I'm quite proud of us."

Pippin stared at his cousin. "How is this supposed to help me impress Nora?"

"Shh, she's coming," Merry whispered. The two of them quickly leaned back onto the crappy

tree house as Nora approached.

"Uh, what's this?" she asked, looking up at the two hobbits. "And why are you two wearing wife-beaters and hard hats?"

"Oh, nothing much," Merry said. "Just doing a little manual labor." He flexed his arm while inhaling dramatically.

"Uh…"

Pippin stood next to Merry with his hammer balanced over his shoulders, smiling nervously.

"Care to come in?" Merry asked seductively, reaching for the door. "Oh, wait..."

He quickly placed the fallen door back into its hinges.

"No, thank you," Nora said uneasily.

"But there are biscuits inside!" Pippin said quickly.

"Well, maybe…"

A sudden yawn seemed to come from the tree.

"Oh dear," said Pippin. The tree started to move and the two hobbits held onto the tree house in fright.

"What's…going on…back there…?" the Ent groaned.

"Merry, you idiot," Pippin whispered.

"No time for name-calling," Merry said as he took Pippin's hand. "Abort! Dive, dive, dive!"

The two dove into the bushes below. Nora just walked away, laughing.

(Scene switch!)

"This is horri- heavenly!" Gimli said, quickly slurping up the bit of soup he almost spit out. Éowyn smiled. The Rohan train had stopped so the people could rest and eat.

"Wouldn't you like some, Legolas?" she asked brightly.

"Oh, no thank you," Legolas said quickly. "I'm a vegetarian."

"Ah, well….Azimah! How 'bout you?"

Azimah looked around nervously, thinking of an excuse. "Uh...look! It's Aragorn!"

Éowyn smiled creepily as she skipped after him, not noticing the three companions sneaking away quietly behind her.

Moments later...

"I think I'm gonna be sick," muttered Aragon as he stumbled behind his horse.

"Me too…" Gimli grumbled.

"Wah!" Aragorn yelped as he spotted Legolas crouched down like a ninja. "What're you doing behind my horse-!"

"Shh! Here she comes..." whispered Legolas as he pulled Aragorn down.

Éowyn walked by, a silly smile on her face. She was carrying a pot of soup that smelled questionable. When she left, there was a collective sigh of relief from the people in the area.

"Something must be done about this!" Aragorn said, slamming his fist in his palm.

"I know," said Théoden. "You can't get rid of the soup either. She stands there and watches you eat!"

"Shh! Shh! You smell that?" Gimli asked.

"Huh?" asked Legolas, confused as he looked in the direction Gimli was sniffing. Azimah was refilling peoples' soup bowls with something from the pot she carried.

"What is that?" Gimli asked her, peering into the pot. "Smells nice…"

"It's a soup I made…"

"You can cook?" Aragorn was wide-eyed.

Azimah frowned. "Is it so much of a surprise?"

Legolas beamed at her. She frowned again. "What are you looking at me like that for?" He just shook his head and held out his soup bowl for Azimah. She sighed and refilled his bowl.

After another hour, the Rohan train moved out. Azimah rode at the head of the train with Legolas.

"Something's not right," Azimah said slowly.

"What?" Legolas asked. "What is it? Do you sense anything?"

She was about to answer when they heard screams behind them. "Ambush!"

Legolas looked up and spotted a Warg. He quickly killed it as it jumped from the ledges above. Théoden commanded the train to head to Helm's Deep. Aragorn looked sadly around for someone to command.

"Holy cabooses…" Azimah gasped as she saw the mass of Warg-riders charging at them. And so the fighting began! Everything was going swimmingly. That is, until Gimli soon found himself trapped under a pile of Wargs and Orcs.

"How did this happen?" he wondered. "Oh well…" He let out a mighty toot just as another Warg appeared at the top. Once Gimli was free, he raised his axe to kill it, but Legolas got to it first.

"It still counts as mine!" the dwarf yelled.

Amidst the battle, Azimah looked over at a Rohan soldier near her who was screaming.

"Oh dear God, it's got my leg. IT'S GOT MY LEG! AAAH!" There was a small creature standing a few meters away from him, its ridiculously long tongue wrapped around his ankle.

_Wait a minute, that's too small to be a Warg... _Azimah thought, staring at the thing.

"JIIIIILLL!" A strange man jumped dramatically into the fray and killed the 'Warg' with a strange weapon.

"Ooh, can I have one of those?" Legolas looked fascinated.

"What, my shotgun?" the man asked. "Sorry, lady, but I've only got one."

"Get your own fanfiction, Chris Redfield!" Aragorn screamed, kicking the man off the cliff 300-style. "There's no room for you and your ridiculous biceps!"

Everyone went on fighting. Theoden was performing far better than Aragorn was. Angered, Aragorn decided to one-up him by fighting an Orc on a Warg. He was able to knock the Orc off the animal, but had somehow gotten his wrist caught on the Warg's saddle. It ran off the rather inconveniently placed cliff.

"No!" he yelled as he fell to the rocks below him. "I'm not supposed to die, I'm not even king yet!"

The battle ended soon afterward. No one seemed to notice Aragorn's disappearance, until…

"Aragorn?" Legolas called. '_Where was he?'_

"ARRAAGOORN!" Gimli yelled, looking under a rock. "He's not here."

Legolas looked under a dead horse. "Not here either."

Azimah rolled her eyes. A gargled voice caught all of their attention. It belonged to a dying Orc a few feet away from them.

"Ever think he might've fallen?" it said. "There is a cliff, like, right behind you, y'know?"

Legolas looked heartbroken. "You lie!" he yelled at the Orc. But it was already dead.

"Hey, isn't that Aragorn's?" Gimli asked. Legolas pulled a shiny necklace, the Evenstar, from the Orc's hands. He frowned.

The three of them looked over the cliff for any sign of their friend. Azimah eyed the river below and listened intently.

_Eww, stinky Men and bloody Wargs. What else will fall into me today, I wonder?_

That concluded Azimah's uncertainties. She sighed and looked down at the river again. No more Aragorn…?

"Even though he complained a lot and was a bit annoying at times, I still liked him," Azimah said quietly. She was surprised to find a tear in her eye. She quickly wiped it away.

"It's okay to cry. I'm sad about losing Aragorn, too," sniffed Legolas as he wiped away a tear of his own. Gimli handed him a tissue.

"Well I'm certainly not!" a voice said cheerfully from beside them. Legolas glared at Théoden. He ignored the Elf.

"But I wonder: why is everyone falling off cliffs today? Is it that bad being around me?" the king asked as he climbed onto his horse.

There was a long pause.

"Ah, whatever. Move out, men!"

As the small company rode on to Helm's Deep, Gimli, Legolas, and Azimah rode together. They were all gloomy. Legolas took one last look over his shoulder at the cliff. It was going to be a long, boring rest of the story without Aragorn.

(Back to Fangorn Forest…)

"So, run this by me again, Merry."

"Okay," Merry began. "Picture this. We build a rocket ship-"

"No!" Pippin interrupted. "I'm done with your ideas!"

He stalked away. Merry shook his fist and yelled after him, "You're nothing without me!"

Pippin began pacing. "What can I do? What can I do?... got it!"

He quickly ran in the direction of Saruman's vegetable patch. Nora made it back to camp to see Pippin observing his handiwork.

"What do you have there?" she asked.

"Well…" he mumbled, stepping away to let her see.

"Did you make dinner by yourself?"

"…Yeah…"

"Aw, that's really sweet…"

Pippin smiled. "Really?"

Nora nodded. "This looks great. What did you-"

Suddenly, Merry flew in on a rocket made of a hollow log. "Look out!"

Pippin and Nora fell on the ground in an attempt to dodge the rocket. They stayed there for a moment after the rocket had disappeared and Merry's screams had faded into the forest.

"Wow," Nora finally said. "That was really cool."

"Damnit!"

…

Moolie: Where's Aggie?

Ginny: Uh….You'd better come see this. *points out the window*

Outside…

Aggie: Mud! Glorious mud! *proceeds to roll around in mud puddle*


	9. I'm not quite dead yet

Moolie: Wait, we must put a roller rink in this chapter!

Ginny: And why must we-

Moolie: BECAUSE I LOVE ROLLER RINKS!

Aggie: Well, can't we just-

Moolie: Get out of here, smelly!

Aggie: I don't smell that bad, you're just exaggerating.

Moolie: I'm done with this conversation. We are putting a roller rink in this chapter.

...

Chapter Nine: Not quite dead yet...

"To enter the Forbidden Pool bears the penalty of death," Faramir said.

"Why?"

"Uh...it is forbidden!"

He motioned about and Frodo saw the men hiding in the bushes with their bows ready.

"It'd be a shame to lose her. She is lovely, after all." Faramir sighed. "But rules are rules."

He raised his hands slowly for the signal.

"Wait!" Frodo said desperately.

"Hm?" Faramir said, looking amused.

Frodo looked down at Fado sitting happily on the edge of the pool.

"She's a companion of ours," he said quietly. "And the other is our guide."

Faramir looked interested.

"Please," Frodo begged. "Let me go get them out."

"Go ahead," Faramir said. Frodo made his way quickly down to the base of the waterfall before Faramir changed his mind. Fado saw him first.

"Frodo!" she called. She ran to him and gave him a hug. "I thought I'd lost you."

"Me, too," he said, holding her tightly. Then he remembered the task at hand and broke the hug. "We have to leave, now."

"Why?" Fado asked.

"No time to explain. Trust me."

Fado shrugged. "C'mon, Gollum. Frodo says it's time to go."

Gollum emerged with a trout in his mouth and followed them around the base of the pool.

Then, out of nowhere, a herd of men sprang on them.

"Master!" Gollum screamed as he was shoved into a burlap sack.

"No! Don't hurt them!" Frodo yelled. Fado rocketed herself into the air and began shooting firebolts at her attackers. However, she was caught off guard when a man at the top of the waterfall threw a weighted net on her. Frodo watched in horror as she plummeted downward and landed in the pool with a sickening splash. Her fire had gone out.

"No! Fado!" he yelled, running towards the water.

He was seized and pushed back.

"Hold your horses, small fry, she'll be alright."

Frodo struggled as he watched two men wade into the pool and pull their catch from the water. Fado came up gasping and coughing as the men hauled the net to dry land. Madril came to the group and examined Fado curled in the net. He ruffled Frodo's hair.

"Good work, lover boy." He chuckled. "Thanks to you, Gondor now has a weapon capable of changing the course of this war."

Fado looked up in disbelief at Frodo.

"Fado, I-" Frodo began.

"Come on, boys," Madrl said. "Let's get our precious cargo upstairs to Captain Faramir."

Fado still stared at Frodo, hurt filling her face.

"You promised," she whispered as the men carried her away.

(Now, in Fangorn Forest...)

"I'm so bored!" Merry complained.

"So am I," Pippin said.

"Guys? All the blood's starting to rush to my head," Nora said. The three of them were currently hanging upside down from tree branches to relieve their boredom. They were having no such luck.

The three of them jumped down from the branches.

Merry groaned. "It's so boring! Pippin, Nora, make out so I can have something to watch."

Nora glared at him. "What? No! How about you make out with Pippin!"

Pippin looked at Merry. "Don't...you...dare."

Merry smirked and tackled Pippin to the grass.

"No, Merry, not like this!"

Nora sighed. "Let's go see if Treebeard's done with that whole Entmoot thing."

"Bored?" Treebeard gasped after they had told him their predicament.

"Yes," Nora said. "Do you have any suggestions?"

"Well..." Treebeard began.

"Bored, bored, bored..." Merry muttered as he hit small plants with a stick.

"The Ents...have been wanting...to take a break..." Treebeard said.

"Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored..."

"Perhaps...we could enjoy...some time...at the Roller Rink..."

"Huh?" Pippin asked. "A roller rink?"

"Yes," Treebeard said.

"Why didn't you tell us about this before?" Nora asked, quite agitated.

"Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored..."

"Hey, Merry!"

"What?"

"We're going to the Roller Rink!"

"What's that, Pip?"

"Well...uh...I don't really know."

"Sounds good to me," Merry said, tossing his stick aside. "Onward, good fellows!"

(At the Rockin' Roller Rink...)

"Go get your roller skates," Nora told the two hobbits as she walked past.

"And what, pray tell, are roller skates?" Merry asked with an unneeded eyebrow wiggle.

"Uh..." Nora said, confused. "They're shoes with wheels. You use them to skate."

As Nora walked away, Pippin looked at Merry. "Shoes? Merry, I don't want to wear shoes..."

"You're right, Pip. We have a reputation to uphold!"

"Then again," Pippin said. He watched Nora skate easily around the rink, looking a bit paranoid as the Ents circled around her. Merry saw what he was looking at and smirked.

"I will put on the wheeley shoes!" Pippin exclaimed.

They ran to the counter. There stood a reluctant teenager with bad acne and braces.

"What can I get for you, _sir_?" the teenager asked through gritted teeth.

"Wheeley shoes!" Pippin said happily.

"What size?"

Pippin's eyes grew wide. "I don't know. I've never worn shoes before."

The teenager sighed angrily and grabbed a pair of roller skates. "Here. Just try these on. If they don't fit, just deal with it."

"Um...okay," Pippin said. "Thank you."

"And what do you want?" the teenager asked Merry.

"Wheeley shoes!" he exclaimed.

Once Merry had received his roller skates, he sat down on a bench next to Pippin.

"Um, Merry..?" Pippin said.

"Yes?"

"How do you tie shoes?"

Merry stared at Pippin. "I...I don't know, Pip."

After a few laps around the rink, Nora spotted Merry and Pippin sitting sadly on a nearby bench, swinging their legs. She skated briskly over to where they had parked their posteriors (vocabulary word of the day, kiddies!).

"Do you guys not know how to tie shoes?" she asked. They both nodded in shame. Nora sighed and knelt down to tie Merry's roller skates. Merry shot Pippin a gratuitous smirk. Pippin looked confused.

"Why are you smiling at me?" he whispered.

Merry rolled his eyes. "Never mind."

"Hey, guys," Nora said as she moved on to Pippin's roller skates. "You two have abnormally large feet for someone of your height. Did you know that?"

"You know what they say about big feet," Merry said. "Eh, Pip?"

"Um...big socks!"

Nora tried her best to ignore that last comment as she finished up tying Pippin's roller skates. Once she finished, she stood up and held out her hand. Pippin stared at it, motionless.

"Uh," Nora said. "You're supposed to grab my hand."

"...oh!" He laughed nervously as placed his hand in hers.

"Now grab Merry's hand."

"What?"

"Neither of you can skate," she said. "Grab his hand so I can lead you two around the rink."

"Okay," Pippin muttered as he reached for Merry's hand reluctantly. Merry chuckled behind him. Nora led them out into the roller rink with the Ents, who were skating with elegance and grace.

"This is fun!" Pippin said to Nora after they had gone around a few times. "And I haven't fallen once!"

Merry and Nora laughed as Pippin did a sudden face plant.

(And, finally, we meet up with the manly group, not so manly now that Aragorn is gone.)

Azimah gritted her teeth. She, too, missed Aragorn, but Gimli was taking this a bit too far.

"Aaaaaah-oooh-hooo-hooohooo!" the dwarf sobbed from the back of the group.

"He's been going on like this for over an hour," Azimah hissed to Legolas.

Legolas shrugged. He had been awfully quiet.

Gimli had finally quieted down, or so it seemed. The group barely managed to let out a sigh of relief before he began sobbing once more.

"Bwaaaaaaaah-booo-hooo-hooo-hooo!"

"Ohmygawd, Gimli, shut up!"

"Théoden!" Azimah yelled. "Be nice, he just lost a very close friend!"

Théoden stuck his nose in the air. "Come men, we're almost to Helm's Deep!"

Azimah looked down at Legolas, who was walking solemnly alongside the horse she had been riding. She thought for a moment. Comforting people was not her strong suit. Hopping off the horse, she fell into stride with Legolas and patted him on the shoulder.

"Don't worry, Legolas," she said in the most cheerful voice she could muster. "Next time we come across some Orcs, we'll kick their butts extra hard for Aragorn."

"No, we won't," he said quietly. Azimah had to stop for a moment. Was Legolas losing his abnormally large ego?

"What?" she asked just as quietly.

Legolas shot her a nervous look. "Gimli and I can do the fighting. I'd prefer it if-"

"I'll have you know, Legolas Greenleaf, that I can fight just as well as you and Gimli!"

"It's not that! It's-"

"It's _what_?"

Legolas heaved a sigh. "Never mind. Forget I said anything."

(Fast forward!)

"Ah, home sweet home..." Théoden said as he deeply inhaled the air, which smelled strongly of...manly smells.

"Aragorn! Where's my Aragorn?"

"Oh, for the love of..." Azimah mumbled as Eowyn came running out of the crowd.

"He's dead-" Gimli began to cry, but Legolas threw his cloak over the dwarf's head to muffle the sobs.

Théoden looked at Éowyn for a moment, and then said, "Aragorn decided this plan was useless so he left a while back. If you hurry, you might be able to catch up."

Éowyn looked as if she were about to cry. Azimah rolled her eyes. "Now look what you've done," she muttered as she pushed past Théoden and putting her arm on Eowyn's shoulder. Théoden stuck his tongue out after her as the two girls walked away.

The next morning, a very familiar figure rode through the gate. It was none other than Mr. Aragorn! (Cue cheesy show music.)

"Aragorn!" Gimli shouted with glee. "You're back from the grave!"

"Did you miss me?" he asked.

"Hardly," the dwarf said stoutly.

Aragorn got down off his horse and turned around to see Legolas.

"I have your necklace!" Legolas yelled as he ran towards Aragorn with full speed.

"Geez, Legolas, don't have to shout for everyone to hear," Aragorn said. "Necklaces aren't manly."

"Oh, sorry," Legolas said. He then laughed quietly and gave Aragorn a big hug. Aragorn began to hug him back, but quickly pushed him away. "Fag."

Aragorn turned and held his arms out to Azimah. "Hey, beautiful!"

Azimah just stared at him blankly. "Hey."

Aragorn started to walk purposefully towards the Hornburg. As he walked, a parade of people began to form behind him. They promptly began singing 'Funkytown'.

As he walked up the steps, the singers harmonized and the moves became more choreographed. He then flung the doors open in a most dramatic style. Théoden looked up from his battle plans and gawked at Aragorn.

"Noooooo! I thought I got rid of you!"

But the thriving musicality of 'Funkytown' was too much for Théoden, and he melted into a puddle of water.

...

Ginny: That last part doesn't seem right...

Moolie: ...we might not be posting for a while. We're just oh so busy with work and everything!

Ginny: You dirty liar! I'm the only one that works around here!

Aggie: Okay, we confess, we're going on a vacation.

Moolie: But don't worry! We'll be back with the final chapters before you know it!

Aggie: And then it's on to the final part of the trilogy!


	10. Merry Never Gets a Lady

*Door opens, Moolie walks in.*  
Moolie: Home, sweet home!  
Aggie: Hey, Ginny. Did you remember to clear your breakfast plate before we left?  
Ginny: Uh...wait, what was my line here...  
Moolie: It appears that my leftover apple core has combined with your 2-month-old yogurt and created a strange crossbreed of _plant_...

...

Chapter Ten: Merry Never Gets a Lady  
"Oh, Aragorn, you're back!" Éowyn said when she first saw him. And she promptly fainted. Aragorn sighed.  
"She hasn't shut up about you-" said Théoden, but his response was quickly silenced by a glare from Azimah.  
"So, anything new happen while I was on holiday?" Aragorn said suggestively, leaning over Théoden's desk in the great hall. He gave the king an eyebrow wiggle. "Any new gossip?"  
"Huh?" Théoden said, confuzzled. But Aragorn jerked his head first in Azimah's direction, using exaggerated eye movements. "Hmm, hmm?" Then he jerked his head in Legolas' direction, repeating his gestures.  
"Ahh," said Théoden, catching on. And suddenly he began a silent conversation with Aragorn, which consisted of the same exact gestures and sounds.  
"What are you doing?" Azimah asked, eyeing them suspiciously.  
"We're talking in a language only kings can understand!" Aragorn blurted out.  
Legolas raised his hand hopefully. "I'm next in line. Can I talk like that?"  
"Shut up!" Theoden and Aragorn shouted in unison.  
Azimah just shook her head.  
(Later that day.)  
After Aragorn had told Théoden of the awfully big army heading their way, Théoden thought it was high time he get Helm's Deep prepared for the battle of, well, Helm's Deep. So he had every fit man and boy gather in the armory for a meeting.  
"I do hope this won't be a waste of time…" Azimah muttered. She, Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn were standing at the back of the room.  
"Look alive, ladies, the king is in the house!" Théoden yelled from the doorway.  
"Hey! He stole my line!"  
"Oh my-"  
"Silence!" Théoden said, standing with his hands on his hips at the front of the room. Wearing a WWII army helmet. And tight, short shorts.  
Enjoy.  
"My eyes!" Legolas cried.  
"Listen up!" Théoden shouted, staring everyone down. "We've only five hours 'till the Uruk- Hai arrive. We gotta get prepared-"  
"But isn't the Deep already prepared enough?" someone asked.  
"Silence! And no, I wasn't talking about Helm's Deep itself, I was talking about you, soldiers. We have to get you in the mindset of winning. 'Cuz that's what Rohanians do- they WIN!"  
"I'm outta here." Azimah sighed, "I should have seen this coming."  
"Who's with me?" Théoden yelled. Silence.  
"I said," he said through clenched teeth. "Who's with me?"  
"Aye!" everyone shouted.  
"Good enough."  
(Even later.)  
"Well, that was a complete waste of time," Gimli grumbled after the meeting.  
"Told you."  
"Shut up, Azimah! I'd like to see you give a better speech than that." Aragorn sniffed. "It was so inspiring."  
Legolas stood with an odd expression on his face. He kept muttering, "My eyes, my beautiful eyes," over and over under his breath.  
(Eeeeeeven later.)  
"I want that support beam over there," Theoden commanded.  
"Put your backs into it! Move that support beam!" Aragorn yelled.  
"Gamling, I need 25 men guarding the eastern wall!"  
"Gamling! 25 men, hop to it!"  
Theoden rounded on Aragorn, "Exactly what do you think you're doing?"  
Aragorn struck a manly pose, "What do you think you're doing?"  
"I am trying to prepare my keep against the hounds of hell that are practically on our doorstep!" Theoden said through gritted teeth.  
"No way! I was doing that, too!" Aragorn said.  
Theoden grabbed Aragorn by the scruff of his collar, "Just stay out of my way, you poser!"  
He then stalked off.  
"You still up for cards at seven?" Aragorn called after him.  
After a brief silence Theoden called back, "How big is the pot?"  
"We're in a war here!" Azimah exclaimed, "I think your card game can wait!"  
More silence...  
"Are you still mad that you lost last night?" Aragorn asked.  
"She did have a pretty good hand," Theoden added.  
Azimah threw her hands in the air. "That's it! I'm finished! You men are hopeless!"  
She walked off to go help Eowyn.  
"I think she's still mad that she lost," Aragorn said  
"Totally," Theoden agreed.  
"...So if we just move these over here," Eowyn said.  
"Right," Azimah said, "I'll go get some."  
As she walked to the armory, Legolas caught her arm.  
"Azimah, there's something I want to talk to you about," he said.  
"I'm kind of busy-" she began.  
"No, its serious," Legolas said.  
Azimah crossed her arms and gave him a quizzical look.  
"Well?" she said, "What is it?"  
Legolas took a deep breath. "I think that it would be best if you stayed in the caves with Eowyn tonight," he said.  
"What!" she yelled.  
"Look I know that-" Legolas began.  
"This is the first real battle of the story, and you're asking me to sit it out?" she exclaimed.  
"Yes, but-"  
"I have worked my butt off for this fellowship and you think I'm weak?"  
"No its-"  
"Well, what then? What is it?"  
"Look," said Legolas, grabbing her shoulders, "I just don't want you to get hurt, okay?"  
Azimah just stared at him for a moment and then shook him off and walked away.  
"Dude, no worries," said Arargorn, slapping Legolas on the shoulder. "She's just mad that she lost to my full house last night."  
Men..." grumbled Eowyn as she went to go find Azimah. She found her sitting in a corner at the top of the battlements.  
"Hey Azimah?" Eowyn said as she popped a squat next to her.  
"What?" Azimah said coldly.  
"You should lighten up a little, seriously, you've been really angsty lately," Eowyn said, patting her on the shoulder.  
"Huh?" Azimah looked up at Eowyn.  
"Well for instance, you've shouted for the majority of this chapter alone."  
"Sorry, " Azimah said, resting her head on her knees, "I've just got a lot on my mind."  
"You want to talk about it?" Eowyn asked.  
"Nah, its an Elf thing," Azimah said with a small smile. "Its kind of complicated."  
"Okay," said Eowyn, "If you need me, I'll be helping my uncle."  
As she walked away, Azimah watched Legolas help some men hoist a wooden beam to a higher level of the fortress. She reached in her pocket and took out the little doll, staring at it as it sat in her palm.  
"Its complicated."  
(Now, let's visit our friends in Fangorn Forest.)  
"And so..."  
"Yes?"  
"And so..."  
"...YES?"  
"We have...decided..."  
"Oh my Tolkien, what!"  
"...I forgot."  
`Merry fell to his knees. "I can't take this anymore." He fell on his face and lay completely still.  
"Merry?" Pippin mumbled as he poked Merry with a stick.  
"Drama queen," Nora said.  
"I'm not a queen!" Merry yelled into the grass.  
"Oh, yes...I remember now..." Treebeard said. "We have decided...you are not...Orcs..."  
Merry groaned. Pippin rolled his eyes. "Do you even know what an Orc looks like?"  
Treebeard held out a picture drawn with purple crayon. "Like...this..."  
Nora and Pippin studied the picture for a moment.  
"It looks like Nicolas Cage," Nora said seriously.  
"That's a pretty good picture," Pippin observed. "Is that cross-hatching I detect?"  
Treebeard smiled. "It's...been a while...since I've found someone...who's appreciated...the arts..."  
"What about the war?" Nora yelled at the Ents. "If we lose, I can assure you, there won't be many tree-huggers left!"  
"Don't be hasty...young...girl..." Treebeard said.  
The Ents went back to talking and Treebeard gave them each a brown bag lunch and shooed them away. Nora and Pippin each took one of Merry's feet and dragged him after them.  
"So," said Pippin. "What part of the forest shall we explore today?"  
"Hm..." said Nora, surveying the area. "Well, we've already gone over there."  
"Yeah, there were bees over there..."  
"And we've been to the vegetable garden."  
"Yes. That was weird."  
"Aaaand, we've already skipped rocks in the creek."  
"And I've found the Ents' supply of magical growth water."  
Nora glanced at Pippin. "Yes you have."  
"What do you think, Merry?"  
Merry twitched.  
"Hmm..." Nora pointed at a shadowy corner in the distance. "Let's check it out!"  
The group began their trek into the shadows. It was cooler in this part of the forest, the dense canopy of trees created a dim environment. Pippin ran ahead to chase fireflies that were starting to appear.  
Nora looked around and noted that many of the plants had bioluminescence (vocabulary word of the day!), casting an otherwordly glow on the surroundings.  
Pippin ran back to her. "Where are we?" he whispered.  
"Why are we whispering?" Nora whispered back.  
"I dunno, it just seems like the kind of place to whisper."  
"Agreed."  
They dragged Merry deeper into the forest. Nora stopped suddenly.  
"Do you hear that, Pippin?"  
"Yes. It sounds like ominous singing in the distance. Let's go towards it!"  
"Yeah!"  
"Mmmmmmrphhhmmm!"  
"C'mon, Merry!" Pippin said as they continued to drag him. Nora began to notice shifting in the bushes surrounding them.  
"Pippin...?"  
Pippin began glancing around nervously as well. He was hearing hushed whispers and snapping twigs.  
"Pippin, I'm a little scared."  
"So am I."  
Nora looked at him. "You're not supposed to be scared! Be a man!"  
"But I'm not a man! I'm a hobbit!"  
"...Touche."  
"Should we go back?" he whispered.  
Suddenly, a voice came from behind them. "You cannot go back."  
Pippin and Nora whipped around. "Haldir?"  
"Who's Haldir?" A young hobbit-like girl stood before them. Her curly golden hair fell in a long braid down her back. Her eyes were narrowed in suspicion.  
"What's a hobbit doing in Fangorn Forest?" Pippin asked.  
"She's not a hobbit," Nora said. "She's wearing shoes!"  
"A lady!" Merry sprang to his feet, slicking his hair back. His entire front was covered in grass stains. Nora and Pippin snickered. The lady raised her eyebrows.  
"I am Atzi," she said, folding her arms in front of her. "Ambassador of the Fangorn Sprite Colony."  
"Oh, a woman with power, eh?" Merry said. "I like that."  
Atzi rolled her eyes and began walking away. "Since you've already wandered into our territory, you might as well follow."  
Merry looked downtrodden. Nora motioned for the hobbits to follow and she set off after Atzi. Pippin patted Merry on the shoulder.  
"Come on Merry," he said. "She's not the first to turn you down."  
Merry kicked sadly at the undergrowth. "I know," he muttered. "I just figured I'd get paired with someone, all the blokes in the fellowship have a woman by now."  
"That's not true, Legolas is still single," Pippin offered.  
"Oh come on," Merry scoffed. "He and Azimah will be making babies any chapter now."  
Pippin shot Merry a look.  
"Alright so that's an overstatement," Merry sighed, "but we all know that's where they're headed."  
"And not everyone has a lady," Pippin cut in. "Sam, Frodo, Boromir, Gandalf..."  
"Even Sam has that girl Rosie, she'll marry anyone, she's a saint." Merry groaned. "Frodo and Fado are practically a couple, if he hasn't snogged her by now, I'll kill him. Boromir's freaking dead. And we all know Gandalf's as gay as the Fourth of July."  
Pippin had nothing to say. Besides, they were catching up to the girls. As the group rounded the bend, Merry, Pippin, and Nora gasped. The Sprite Village was a sight indeed. Tiny spherical tree houses hung interconnected in the canopy, like an enormous web of colorful lanterns. Bridges led to stores, schools, and other buildings built into the side of a gargantuan tree in the center of the grove. Even Nora had to admit it was huge, five times larger than her father's castle up north.  
"The Kia'i'Ola Tree has been the center of or community for centuries," Atzi said, smiling at their reaction.  
"What happened there?" Merry asked quietly. He pointed to a large scorch mark in its side. The charred wood stretched for several yards, creating an ugly scar on the base of the magnificent tree. Atzi's face fell.  
"One of our own," she whispered. "She was different from the rest of us. She couldn't control herself."  
"Fado?" Merry looked bewildered. "Fado did that?"  
Atzi looked thunderstruck. "How do you know her?" she asked.  
"She's a friend of ours; she was part of our fellowship," Pippin explained. "But we had to split up because we were ambushed."  
"Fado's headed to Mordor to help another friend of ours destroy a tacky piece of jewelry," Nora added.  
Atzi looked slightly happier. "She has friends now? That's wonderful!" She motioned sadly towards the tree. "The villagers always ignored her. I tried to talk to her when I could."  
"That's very nice of you." Merry said, smiling. Atzi gave him a friendly look.  
"Who are these intruders?" boomed a voice behind them.  
They turned to see a squat Sprite with a squashed-looking face and a purple robe.  
"Elder Adolphus," Atzi bowed. "These are friends-"  
"We're friends of Fado!" Pippin proclaimed gleefully.  
The elder's eye's narrowed. "Wrong answer, Pippin," Nora whispered.  
(Five Minutes Later...)  
"He was a jerk," Merry said as he, Pippin and Nora ran towards the Entmoot.  
(Now onto the Little People Group...)  
Private Satchel had been a member of the Merry Men of Gondor for three years now. If there was anything he had learned, it was that nobody actually said what they meant. "Awesomeland" meant Gondor, "The Big Shnoz" meant Captain Faramir, and so on. Currently Creepster Fruitbat (a.k.a. Madril) was walking towards him. Satchel tried to quickly walk in the opposite direction but Creepster, creep that he was, anticipated his intentions and met him around the bend.  
"Good Evening, Private," Madril said.  
"Oh, good evening sir, I didn't see you there." Satchel snapped reluctantly to attention.  
"Walk with me," Madril motioned down a corridor. Translation: "Just because you're off duty doesn't mean I can't find a job for you to do."  
Satchel sighed and followed.  
Madril cleared his throat. "How's your mother doing?" he asked. Translation: "I'm trying to instigate some form of conversation so I won't look like a total jerkwad."  
"She's fine, just got over her pneumonia," Satchel replied in an attempt to sound cheerful.  
"That's nice." Translation: "Good, now she can send you more zucchini bread for me to steal."  
They paused in front of one of the heavy doors, Creepster Fruitbat turned and grinned at Satchel.  
"So I was wondering how we could reward Mister Baggins for the favor he's done us," he said.  
Satchel frowned, he didn't understand that one.  
"We'll have to make sure we give him some compensation for his services," Creepster continued. Satchel knew that one. If a new recruit messed up a mission he was honeyed and feathered in his sleep, returned to his bed, then carried outside, mattress and all and placed in the forbidden pool to float, only to be awoken by a volley of arrows landing next to him and the entire company shouting "NO ONE GOES IN THE FORBIDDEN POOL!"  
"I'll see to it that his mattress is to his liking," Satchel replied.  
Fruitbat grinned. "Good, we wouldn't want him to be uncomfortable. He has generously given us a lovely weapon."  
He and Satchel paused. There was a little clink from behind the heavy door. Creepster Fruitbat kicked the door sharply. There was a clatter that sounded as if someone was scrambling away from the door, dragging heavy chains with them.  
The two men continued walking down the hallway. Satchel turned to Creepster.  
"She was listening to us," he said quietly.  
"Perfect." Creepster grinned, he looked at Satchel. "That'll be all tonight Private, off with you."  
Satchel nodded and walked away, feeling slightly uncomfortable. What had just happened?

...

Ginny: What are we gonna do with this plant?  
Aggie: I'll do it!  
Ginny: Do what...?  
*Aggie tosses plant out window.*  
Plant: Ayeeeeeee!  
Moolie: Did that plant just scream?  
Donald: HarooooO!  
Translation: To be continued...


	11. Onward, Entlemen

Moolie: We have a new addition to our family!

Ginny: Moolie, something's terribly wrong with that. We should not keep it.

Moolie: Aw, who doesn't like a talking plant?

*Ginny and Aggie raise their hands.*

Moolie: 1 against 2. I win.

Aggie: What!

…

Chapter Eleven: Onward, Entlemen

"Hey, Treebeard," Pippin said once he, Merry, and Nora arrived back at the Entmoot. "Did you know you have neighbors?"

"Why…yes…" Treebeard began. "The Sprites…have lived…among us…for many…an age!"

"Do…do you know, by any chance, a lass named Atzi?" Merry asked rather nervously.

"HAVE YOU DECIDED ON ANYTHING YET?" Nora shouted before Treebeard could answer.

Overwhelmed by the amount of questions, Treebeard began to hyperventilate and was handed a paper bag by Bert the Birch Tree.

"Nice going, Nora," Merry said.

"Be nice," Pippin said. "You asked a question, too."

Once Treebeard had recovered, he completely forgot about Merry's question and turned to Nora. "We…are not…to be involved…in the matters of others."

"But you're part of this world!" Merry said. "Aren't you?"

The group of Ents looked around and nodded with many a "Yes, yes,", "Quite so", and "Indeed".

"Besides," said Nora, totally improvising. "The Orcs, uh, burned down half the forest south from here."

"What?" Treebeard asked. The rest of the Ents looked around in confusion.

Pippin looked at Nora. "They did?"

"Uh…yeah! And they'll totally get to the rest of Fangorn forest if we don't go stop them!" she paused and went for the overkill. "Everything you know and love will be gone."

The Ents let out a collective gasp. Merry went rigid.

"You…heard her…gEnts," Treebeard said. "Round up…the rest of…the Ents."

"We best get our things," Nora said and walked off.

"Merry," Pippin said. "What's wrong?"

Merry moodily stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Nothin'."

"Oh, come on!"

"Well, what if…"

"What if what?"

Merry looked up at Pippin with sad eyes. "What if the Orcs really do burn down Fangorn? And then all the Sprites…"

Pippin patted him on the back. "It'll be okay, Merry."

"You see-"

"Hi, gaiz!" Nora marched into the clearing with their knapsacks. "Ready to do this?"

"Yeah!" said Pippin.

"Yep," said Merry.

"…" the Ents droned enthusiastically.

(Now for HELM'S DEEP, PART ONE!)

"Alright, men," Aragorn said as he passed out weapons to the makeshift soldiers. "The key to success is spirit. Spirit and muscles." He paused to flex his arms. "Now, you guys have the build, but do you have the drive?"

The men looked around, confused. In the background, Azimah was sharpening her glaive, making an ominous scraping sound fill the room.

Aragorn continued. "They can take our land, but they can never take OUR FREEDOM!"

"Huzzaaaaah!" the men chorused, raising their weapons in the air.

"Why try, Aragorn?" Legolas said darkly.

"Did you have to go and ruin my pep talk!" Aragorn yelled.

"No, I'm being serious," Legolas said. "We don't stand a chance."

"They stand a better chance here, than in Edoras," Aragorn retorted. "These walls will buy us time!"

"For how long?" Legolas's voice was getting louder and angrier. "When they get in, it'll still be three hundred against ten thousand! They are going to die! We are going to die!"

"So what?" Aragorn shouted. "We both agreed to die for our mission! Or are you scared that you won't be able to protect Az-"

"Don't you dare bring her into this!" Legolas hissed.

"Uh guys," Gimli interjected. "You know she's in the room right?"

Legolas looked quickly at Azimah, who was thankfully oblivious to all other noise besides the scrape of her blade against the stone.

Aragorn smirked at him and stalked off. Furious, Legolas made to follow, only to be stopped by Gimli.

"Let him go, lad," He remarked firmly. "Let him be."

"What was that all about?"

Legolas turned to see Azimah giving him a quizzical look.

"Uh…nothing!" Legolas said, leaning against the wall nonchalantly. "We were just disagreeing…about something of no importance…"

Azimah didn't look convinced.

"I like your helmet!" Legolas said, trying to change the subject.

"Oh." Azimah looked surprised. "Thanks, I guess."

She had attached a small sheet of chainmail across the gap of her helmet to cover her face.

"So, it's all in one piece, eh?"

"Oh, yeah. The veil sort of gets in the way."

Legolas snapped his fingers. "Right, that it does. I gotta go now…"

He turned to leave, but Azimah grabbed his arm.

"Wait, Legolas."

Legolas turned awkwardly, cursing the butterflies in his tummy.

"…Yeah?"

"Don't fight with Aragorn, okay? We all need to stay friends if we want to win this thing."

"Oh…right. Friends. Um…you're right! I'll go now…"

Legolas found Aragorn pouting as he put on his armor. Aragorn looked up. "What do _you _want?"

Legolas was about to snap back with a witty comeback, but he remembered what Azimah told him. He groaned.

"I came to apologize."

"Oh. Well."

"Yeah."

"…I missed you, man!" Aragorn sobbed.

"Let's never fight ever again!" Legolas said, embracing Aragorn in a totally heterosexual hug.

"We're gonna win this thing!"

"Yeah!"

They chestbumped victoriously. Gimli waddled in, struggling with his armor.

"Shouldn't have eaten that last doughnut…"

A sudden horn sounded from above.

"Are the Orcs here already?" Aragorn said. "We don't expect them until 7:30. Most uncouth."

"That's not an Orc horn," Legolas said, grinning as he skipped towards the stairs. "Those are the Elves!"

The three dudes scrambled outside just in time to see the Elf army enter through the gates as the 'Imperial March' sounded overhead. The army was led by a tall figure in a black cape and futuristic helmet.

"Darth Vader?" Azimah asked as she joined them.

The tall figure whipped off his helmet flamboyantly and smiled at the gathered crowd. "Hell_ooo_!"

"Oh, no."

(Fight Club.)

Frodo was tossing pebbles mindlessly against the wall. If only he could talk to her. If only they'd let him see her, he would be able to explain. If only Sam would stop complaining.

"They haven't even given us proper over night accommodations; I have back problems you know! The nerve!"

Frodo groaned. Sam continued to whine as he searched his bag for a spare jar of mayonnaise that he always kept on his person.

"I don't know how they expect us to eat this nasty stuff, and without mayo! Why, my mother made sure we got a healthy serving at every meal-"

"Sam, shut up!" Frodo shouted. "Just listening to you is making me fat! Go eat a salad!"

Sam heaved a sigh. "Looks like someone hasn't gotten their mayo for the day. Here, I'll fix you a plate-"

"Good Lord! Shut up!" Madril yelled as he entered their cell. "You're making me fat, go eat a salad!"

Sam looked depressed. He patted his mayo jar sadly and went to go sit in the corner. Madril turned to Frodo with a creepy smile that reminded the hobbit of a fruit bat. "You've done us a favor, Mr. Baggins, is there anything we can do for you?"

"Yes," Frodo stood up quickly. "May I please see our friend? I need to talk to her."

"By all means," Madril replied smoothly. He turned to the guards behind him. "Gentlemen, would you kindly escort Loverboy to see his sweetheart?"

Frodo turned red.

"N-no, we're not like that."

"I've brought the bed sir," Satchel said as he and two other soldiers entered, carrying a trundle bed between them.

"Ah, that's more like it!" Sam immediately recovered from his depression and strutted over to the group by the doorway. He nodded approvingly.

"Just what I needed, about time too!"

"But..." Satchel looked at Madril, but he waved away the comment. Satchel shrugged, there would be a prank all the same. Sam settled himself under the patchwork quilt. He tucked his jar of mayo under his pillow.

"Sweet dreams!" he bid everyone.

"More like cholesterol filled dreams," Frodo muttered.

"This way, Loverboy," a soldier jeered, shoving Frodo down the corridor. Frodo tripped as he was pushed into a dark cell. He squinted as his eyes tried to adjust to the pitch blackness. After a few seconds, he could make out a figure huddled in the corner.

"Fado?" he asked softly.

She slowly raised her head. "What do you want?" she asked coldly.

"Fado, thank goodness you're alright-"

"How are your accommodations?" she interrupted. Frodo stopped. What did she just say?

"Did they reward you well enough for your services?" She laughed bitterly.

"No Fado," he protested, not able to believe what was happening. "It wasn't like that. I didn't mean-"

"What more do you want from me?" she shrieked. "You've already sold me to them! What more can you get from me?"

She was on her feet by now. Frodo could now clearly see the heavy chains cutting into her wrists and bruising her ankles.

"Fado, calm down! Just listen to me!" Frodo pleaded.

Suddenly, her eyes flashed silver and she lunged forward with a screech, clawing at him. The chains caught her, causing her to jerk backwards and crumple onto the floor. She lay there sobbing as her eyes faded back to green.

Frodo knelt next to her. He reached out slowly and pulled her into his arms. Silver eyes snapped open. There was a deafening "SMACK" as Frodo flew backwards. It took a few seconds for Frodo to realize that Fado had slapped him across the face. It felt more like she had hit him with Sam's frying pan. He managed to look up at her.

"Don't touch me!" A voiced hissed through her. She shuddered and looked back at him through her own eyes. She was crying. "Just stay away from me," she whispered. She shrunk back into the corner and stayed there.

Frodo's head had finally stopped spinning. He silently got to his feet and turned away.

"Fine," he said quietly."If that's the way you want it."

He walked out of the cell.

(On the very, very, very long road to war.)

"This is where they must've burned the trees," Merry said solemnly as the group stared at the charred landscape before them.

"Yeah, about that," Nora started as she looked out in surprise at the tree graveyard. "I didn't really mean-"

"We cannot…stand for this…" Treebeard said. "The Ents…are going…to war!"

"Yes!' Nora shouted as she walked forward with giant strides, eager to go kick some Orc butt. She looked behind her. The Ents were taking their sweet time.

"Oh COME ON!"

…

Aggie: Moolie. I don't want it here.

Moolie: But Carol loves you!

Aggie: Precisely why I don't want it here!

Carol: Mommy!

*Carol hugs Aggie.*

Ginny: Shouldn't we alert a scientist…or an exorcist?

*Carol hisses at Ginny.*

Aggie: This is most disturbing.


	12. Operation Dust

Dan: Hey, guys.

Moolie: Oh…hi, Dan…

Aggie: WHAT DO YOU WANT.

Dan: Um…I was just wondering if I could retrieve my laptop.

Ginny: No. You can't have it.

Carol: ATTACK!

Dan: Ahhh!

…

Chapter Twelve: Operation Dust

"Why, Lord Haldir, it's wonderful to see you again!" Aragorn said through gritted teeth.

The group stood on the battlements, readying for, well, battle.

"Why yes, I was getting a bit b_ooo_red back at h_ooo_me, so I decided to j_ooo_in the battle," Haldir said.

Aragorn then said, "Yeah, I've laid out the battle plans and I've gone over all the strategies and I think this'll be my best work yet," but to Haldir it sounded like, "Yada yada manliness yada yada testosterone yada yada football." So the Elf just turned and walked away, revealing Gimli, who was standing behind him.

Gimli sighed. "Well, with your luck, let's hope we will last the night."

"Yeah, I'm just that awesome," Aragorn said nonchalantly. He slapped Gimli and Legolas on the shoulder, and patted Azimah's. "K, good luck you guys. See ya later in the battle. Don't forget about Operation Dust." He ran away to stand in front of the Elf archers.

"'Operation Dust'?" Azimah repeated. Legolas and Gimli remained impassive. The dwarf cleared his throat and changed the subject.

"How come you don't have a bow like the rest of the Elves, Azimah?" he asked.

She chuckled. "Because I can't aim worth sh-"

"Language," Legolas chided.

Meanwhile, Théoden was staring gloomily into the distance when it began to rain.

"Just what we need…"he mumbled.

"Relax, this just adds to the dramatic effects." Aragorn said.

Théoden eyed him suspiciously. "What 'dramatic effects'?"

Aragorn put a finger to his lips. "Shh…" he whispered as he slunk away into the shadows.

"That was weird." Théoden said.

"Yeah, he does that."

(Back with the Merry Men of Gondor.)

"Wake up!"

Fado jolted awake. She groggily rubbed her eyes. Looking up she saw a strange young guard standing over her. He thrust a warm bowl in her hands.

"It's porridge!" He said brightly. "And it's happy to see you!"

Fado looked glumly down at the gloop where a few raspberries had been arranged into a lopsided smiley-face.

Fado smiled weakly, and reluctantly accepted a spoon, poking at the questionable content of her bowl. The guard sat down next to her.

"Why the special treatment? Who are you anyway?" She asked hollowly.

"Satchel, Private Satchel. I've been assigned to guard you, I thought we might as well break the ice seeing as we're stuck together."

Fado immediately spat out the porridge and pushed the bowl away. "What's in there?" She asked warily, "Why are you being so nice?"

Satchel held up his hands. "Nothing, honest. Don't you trust me?"

Fado turned away from him, "I can't trust anyone anymore…" she whispered.

Satchel sighed. He got to his feet and started walking out, then stopped.

"To be completely honest," He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "I felt bad for what they did to you two, that's why I brought it."

"What did you say?" Fado looked at him slowly.

"You and the little curly dude." Satchel said "Didn't you know?"

Fado looked puzzled.

Satchel looked around nervously, he could get in big trouble for telling her, but she looked so sad…

"It was a set up," he whispered. "Madril set it up so that it looked like the little man gave you over. That way you'd be mad at each other. Divide and conquer, you know?" He heard footsteps coming. "Look, I gotta go, enjoy your porridge!"

And with that he was gone.

"Oh no…" Fado whispered, putting her head in her hands. "Oh no no no no no… Why didn't I listen…"

She suddenly remembered all the things she had said to him, "I'm so sorry…"

(Back at Helm's Deep…)

The Uruk-Hai were coming closer, and were now in shooting range.

"Archers, get ready!"

Aragorn whipped around. "Hey, I'm supposed to say that!"

"This is my army!" Théoden yelled back as he shook his fist at Aragorn.

He and Aragorn were soon exchanging complete nonsense at the top of their lungs while the Uruk-Hai drew nearer.

Azimah's eyes widened at the sheer number of them. "How are we going to defeat them all?"

"Why, it'll be _eee_asy, my dear. With us Elves here- and yours truly- we will s_uuu_rely last the night." Haldir droned.

"That's very reassuring." Azimah muttered.

The Uruk-Hai had stopped by now. They began to shriek and beat their spears on the ground.

"What is it? I can't see anything!" Gimli grunted as he hopped unsuccessfully to see over the battlements.

"Would you like me to describe it to you," Legolas added as looked down at him with a smirk, "or would you like me to find you a box?"

Azimah whistled. "That was harsh Legolas."

Aragorn could be heard, shouting at the Elf archers to stay calm and hold their arrows.

Suddenly, an arrow from the other battlements struck an Uruk-Hai dead. Aragorn had an aneurism.

Now the Uruk-Hai were really mad. And so, the Battle of Helms Deep began.

The archers started volleying the Uruk-Hai who began running at the main door. Meanwhile, the rest of the Uruk-Hai threw ladders up onto the battlements and climbed up.

"YES!"

"Geez, Gimli, don't get ahead of yourself." Azimah said as Gimli chopped yet another Uruk-Hai in the crotch.

"But this is the most I've killed yet. Three!" the dwarf shouted triumphantly.

Legolas smiled. "I'm on 24 already."

Gimli stopped. His eye twitched. He turned on another Uruk-Hai and slashed at it…in the crotch again.

Haldir ran by, chasing an Uruk-Hai. His hair- it was perfect.

Azimah turned around after felling an Uruk-Hai. Both Gimli and Legolas were gone. "Legolas? Gimli? Guys?"

"Look out!" Aragorn yelled as he jumped behind her, killing another Uruk-Hai.

"Thanks." Azimah said before she spun around and thrust her glaive into another Uruk-Hai. She suddenly jerked to the side as a blade grazed her right arm. Her glaive found its way into the Uruk-Hai's chest.

The sound of snickering caught her ear. She looked up and saw a thin wire hanging some ways above the battlements. Her eyes followed it to the higher battlements. There, Legolas stood with Gimli on his shoulders.

Beside her, Aragorn took out two red flags and began waving them.

"Wha…?" Azimah asked.

"Crop dusting." Aragorn said simply.

Suddenly, Legolas flung Gimli down the wire as a zip line. Gaseous fumes trailed in his wake, felling many Uruk-Hai who were under him.

"You've got to be kidding me…" Azimah muttered, shaking her head.

Without warning, Gimli swooped into an unsuspecting Aragorn.

"Oh, bother-" The two collapsed to the ground.

A sudden cheer erupted from the Uruk-Hai outside the walls. Gimli, Azimah, and Aragorn peeked over the battlements. An Uruk-Hai was running towards the wall, carrying a large Olympic flag. Another one ran behind him, carrying a large torch.

"This can't be good…" Aragorn muttered. "Shoot him down, Legolas!" he screamed.

The Uruk-Hai let out a resounding "Boo!" as Legolas shot two arrows at the one holding the torch. But they started cheering again when the Uruk-Hai with the torch jumped majestically onto the pile of spiky bombs. And the wall blew up.

*Collective gasp*

"Aieeee!" Gimli shrieked as he was launched into the air.

(Once again, we visit our friends in Sherwood-not really-Forest.)

She sat in her cell trying to figure out what to do. Fado combed her hands furiously through her hair trying to think of a way to apologize. She tried to calm down, she'd been having a nervous twitch lately. The voice was getting harder to fight, but she was sure she could handle it. At least she hoped so. She shook her head. Of course, she would. She'd promised Frodo she'd help him get to Mordor; she was going to have to deal with it.

_**Or so you think girly...**_

Fado shivered, that was a new one. Or maybe it was the old voice. She couldn't tell anymore. She curled herself tighter.

_**Oh, it won't be long. The closer you are, the more power I gain from the Dark Lord.**_

Fado shivered harder. Control. She needed control. Freezing claws ripped at her lungs, her body was burning and freezing at once. The voice was laughing inside her head, throbbing, pulsating. It cackled harder as she began to thrash violently on the floor. The spirit finally finished its fun. Fado felt it loosen its grasp.

She lay still. She realized now. She wasn't going to make it to Mordor. But she would do everything in her power to make sure that Frodo did.

(Now, to war!)

"Are you sure…you don't want…a ride…Miss Nora?"

"Nah, I'm fine walking," Nora told Treebeard.

Merry climbed majestically to the tallest point of Treebeard. "I don't see any Orcs," he said as he shaded his eyes to see the surroundings better.

"They're…out there…" Treebeard warned.

"How are we going to get in?" asked Pippin.

"Break…the wall…down," Treebeard responded.

"That's a little extreme," Merry muttered.

The Ents gathered at the outer walls of Isengard.

"Alright…Entlemen…" Treebeard said. "Who wants…to be…the battering ram..?"

"Meeee…eeee!" said Otis the Overactive Oak Tree. He lay down on the ground as the other Ents bent to pick him up. "Let's…do…this thing!"

Treebeard quickly put Merry and Pippin on the ground beside Nora and went to help his fellow Ents. The Ents began hitting the outer walls with their slowly excited comrade. Otis uttered a war cry between each strike.

"Yeah!" Bmffff. "Yeah!" Bmffff. "Go Ents!" Bmffff.

Finally, there was a great shattering sound as the wall crumbled against Otis's enthusiasm. The Ents stopped for a brief chest bump before sauntering into Isengard.

"Wow…" Merry said. "It's …quiet?"

It was indeed silent enough to hear a hobbit drop. Nora felt Pippin take her hand. She looked down and was surprised to see that for once he had a serious look on his face.

"I want you to stay by me," he said quietly.

Nora was not used to this new solemn Pippin, but didn't question him. "Okay," she responded quietly, gripping his hand harder.

"…Bring it..!" Otis suddenly bellowed. Orcs, Men, and Uruk-Hai sprang out of nowhere waving nasty-looking weapons and wearing less than savory looks.

Treebeard turned, slowly lifted his right hand, and slapped Otis. "You…idiot…"

The Ents began to gallop forward into battle. Pippin, Merry, and Nora were soon lost in the fray.

"We have to get on one of the Ents!" Merry yelled above all the chaos. Pippin suddenly pulled Nora out of the way as a screaming Orc skidded across the ground. They dipped, ducked, dived, and dodged over to the nearest Ent, Bert the Birch Tree.

"Hop on…little ones!" Bert the Birch Tree said as he swung his arm defensively at an oncoming horde of Men. Merry scrambled on first. He then pulled Pippin up, who quickly turned and helped Nora up.

"Hold…on!" Bert the Birch Tree yelled. He began to run straight into the advancing enemies. Bert, however, soon realized could not handle the shear amount of adversaries. The trio held on tightly as he began to sway under the attackers. Pippin pulled Nora close, "We need to jump!" he yelled to Merry.

"Where?" Merry bellowed back.

Nora searched around frantically. She finally spotted Pete the Peach Tree, not to be confused with Pete the Pine Tree, dashing across the warzone. "There!" she yelled.

"On my count!" Merry yelled. "One! Two! Three!"

They joined hands and leaped off of Bert and onto Pete who, frankly, hadn't realize he had become a vehicle.

"We need to get to Treebeard," Pippin said.

"Right," Merry said.

The three then jumped from Pete the Peach Tree onto Pete the Pine Tree. Nora yelped as a nearby war tower toppled, the falling debris causing her to almost lose her balance. "Here!" Pippin grabbed her hand and steadied her.

"Look, our tree house!" Merry said, pointing across the battle.

Rufus the Rowan Tree had not yet realized that someone had built a bungalow on him.

"Alright, guys," Nora said. "We've got one shot to jump through the door. Ready?"

"Jump!" Merry said, launching himself off of Pete and flying through the door. Nora jumped a second after him and skidded across the polished hardwood floor of the tree house, bumping against the Elizabethan china cabinet in the corner. Pippin soared through the door and knocked into Merry.

"Look guys!" Merry said, picking up pieces of rubble that littered the floor. "We have some ammo now!"

They filled their pockets quickly, then began sniping Orcs from the tree house windows. That is until Nora noticed that the several of them had obtained flaming arrows.

"Look out!" she yelled, tackling Merry and Pippin away from the window. The arrows barely missed them, lodging into the floor and igniting the hardwood.

They immediately began coughing from the smoke. Nora yelled as the smoke stung her eyes. Unable to see, she lost her balance, tumbling to the floor.

Pippin quickly scrambled over to her, beating the flames off of her clothing. "Merry," he rasped as loudly as he could. "We have to get out of here!"

"I can see Treebeard," Merry yelled. "Get Nora over here. TREEBEARD!"

Treebeard galumphed over to them. Merry jumped out onto his back, scrambling to find a seat. He began pelting off Orcs below.

Pippin pulled Nora to her feet.

"Do you trust me?" he asked.

Nora nodded as she continued to rub her eyes.

"Then jump!" he pushed her out the door. Merry caught her and helped her find her footing. In the fresh air, Nora blinked furiously to defog her vision. She was able to see Pippin jump out of the tree house just in time.

Merry pelted another Orc, hitting him squarely in the face.

"A hit…a...fine hit!" Treebeard said approvingly. Nora, having regained her sight, pelted Orcs angrily to make up for lost time.

Pippin saw a figure in the distance running towards them. "Oh, sugar honey iced tea," he muttered.

"Heeeeeelp…meee!" Otis yelled as he ran towards them. He was crawling with Orcs, who were desperately trying to hold on to and hack away at him at the same time.

"Otis… stay away!" Treebeard warned. But before he could stop anything from happening, an Orc launched himself off of Otis and recklessly grabbed Nora. Pippin turned in time to see Nora lose her balance and tumble to earth.

"NORA!"

(ONE MORE TIME.)

Satchel grumbled as he grabbed his Swiffer and headed to the cells.

"She's your charge, they say. Clean her cell they say. Hurry up they say…"

Entering the cell, Satchel saw that Madril and his men had already retrieved Fado. He spotted her bowl in the corner. Walking over, he saw that she had eaten all the raspberries and instead, tiny pebbles from the cell floor were nestled in the cold porridge in the shape of a heart.

Satchel sniffed a little, pressing the bowl to his heart, causing the porridge to spill all down the front of his tunic.

"Damn."

….

Moolie: I am so sorry.

Dan: It's alright. I think I've regained the feeling in my arm.

Moolie: Well, that's good?

Dan: Yeah…can I have my laptop back now?

Aggie: NEVER!

*Throws laptop out the window.*

Ginny: What the hell, man!

Aggie: Oops…


	13. The Battle of Helms Derp

Ginny: We're sorryyyyy!

Moolie: It's Aggie's fault for throwing the laptop out the window.

Aggie: Am I the only one not apologizing?

Ginny: It's been like six months, man, come on!

Moolie: Yeah, I'm totally really feeling guilty right now.

Aggie: I'm hungry.

…

Chapter Thirteen: The Battle of Helms Derp

"NORAAAAAA!"

"Pippin, no!" Merry yelled as Pippin threw himself head-first off of the Ent. "It's a long way down…"

Merry and Treebeard watched in awe as Pippin performed a perfect somersault mid-air and landed in a perfect cat-crouch.

"How in blue blazes did you do that?" Merry yelled.

"I…agree…it was most…out of character…" Treebeard added.

"It was in the script!" Pippin yelled back at them as he ran towards Nora.

Merry hurriedly pulled out his leather-bound copy. After flipping through the pages, he merely nodded.

Nora was lying unconscious at the edge of a gorge, which led down into the fires of Isengard. Two menacing Orcs were standing over her, discussing what manner she was to be dismembered.

"Frank want meat now," Frank the Orc said in a horrifically stereotypical Orc voice.

"Wait, Frank. Garth have idea. Garth have left-over herbs and stuffing in freezer from Thanksgiving," Garth the Orc suggested.

"Ooh, that sound tasty. Maybe side of chow mein."

"Chow mein doesn't go with stuffing!" Pippin yelled as he side-tackled Frank, which proved to be rather ineffective.

"Maybe this be good for side, Frank," Garth said.

Pippin frantically rushed to defend Nora, even though he was useless in hand-to-hand combat. The Orcs were advancing towards the pair of them. And then the ground started to shake.

Everyone turned to face the source of the sound. "Oh, poop," said Frank.

The Orcs ran for their lives. Pippin, however, was frantically trying to find a way to drag Nora back.

"Allow me," said a booming, deep, masculine voice. Pippin looked up, his eyes blinded by the sun. There stood a magnificent black man with a curly, tan wig perched on his head.

"Who are you?" Pippin asked.

"I am your stunt double," the voice said. Pippin shaded his eyes to get a better look at the man.

"T…Terry Crews?" Pippin stuttered. "My stunt double's Terry Crews? IN YOUR FACE, MERRY!"

Far away on Treebeard, Merry frowned.

Terry Crews gallantly picked up Nora and turned to Pippin. "Don't you worry, little man. I've got your woman."

Wordlessly, Pippin jogged after Mr. Crews.

…

"What in the name of Tolkien—how'd they break the wall?" Aragorn yelled as he jumped from the rubble of the wall.

"Help me! I can't swim!"

Aragorn looked down at the sewage water that was spewing from the broken pipes near him. Azimah was floundering around in it like a fish, screaming, "I'm drowning! I-I'm drowning! I can't swim!"

Aragorn stared at her. "Dude, it's like two feet deep."

Azimah continued to scream and he sighed, and then pulled her up. She clung to her glaive, looking quite miserable. "Thanks…" she mumbled, staring at the water shiftily.

"Waaarrpffn!" Gimli howled as Aragorn heaved him out of the water as well.

"Why do I always have to save your AHHHHHH!" Aragorn screamed.

Frodo awoke to the sound of an enormous splash.

"No one enters the Forbidden Pool!" chorused the men of Gondor.

"Aaaaaiiiiieeeeee!"

Frodo looked out through a peephole in the rock to see Sam floundering in the Forbidden Pool, using the mayo jar as a floatation device. Around the edge, the Merry Men pointed and laughed jovially. Groaning, Frodo sank back into a sitting position against the damp wall of his cell. His face still felt sore from yesterday…

"Rise and shine!" came a snarky voice from the doorway. Frodo looked up to see Madril and a few guards standing in front of him, holding a completely soaked Samwise Gamgee.

"Darn, you're already awake…" Madril looked disappointed. He snapped his fingers. "Gentlemen, if you please."

Two guards rushed forward, grabbing Frodo by the arms and dragging him to his feet.

"Aw," Madril reached out in a total invasion of personal space and touched Frodo's face. "Looks like someone's had a rough night. How did talking with the lady friend go?"

Frodo's unbruised half of face turned red.

"Oh, not so hot then?" Madril tisked. "Pity…Well off we go, hup hup."

…

Saruman stood atop his tower, frowning. He should've known they would've broken the gates. Well, at least he had a back-up plan. The fires of Isengard would raise the waters to the proper emperature. He took a final glance at the steaming water below.

"Alright, gents, it's time," he called to the three remaining Uruk-Hai and Wormtongue. The five of them walked over to a giant cardboard box of blue raspberry-flavored Jell-O.

"Right, then. How much does it call for?" Wormtongue asked.

Saruman daintily pulled out a sequined pair of reading glasses before reading the enormous print on the side of the box. "Looks like we're gonna have to use all of it. Now on my count you will tip as I conjure my wind stirring spell."

Saruman walked to the opposite edge of the tower, cleared his throat, and nodded to the others.

"Right, then. Bombs away."

On the ground, Pippin and Mr. Crews were struggling to outrun the rushing water. Treebeard galumphed over and picked them all up in one fell swoop.

"Hold on…little hobbits…and Mr. Crews!" Treebeard bellowed.

"Wait...do you hear that?" Merry asked quietly.

"Hear what, the rushing water?" Pippin asked.

"No…that ominous squeaking…"

They all looked up to see a giant wagon-looking contraption just barely hanging over the edge of the tower. They heard a faint _"Bombs away". _

…

Uruk-Hai began pouring through the gap in the broken wall and Aragorn ran back to the Elf archers, screaming something about his cue. Arrows flew and slaughtered the first wave of Uruks. The few that had evaded the arrows, however, ran rampant through the water. That was when Legolas grabbed a shield and surfed down the stairs all cool like. The entire cast stopped and watched him in slow motion. He gloriously jumped off the shield sending it flying into the nearest Orc's neck.

"And I do all my own stunts, bitches!" Legolas screamed at the oncoming horde as he ran pellmell towards the fray.

Azimah turned her head, realizing only too late the amount of more Uruk-Hai driving through the gap. "Awh sh—" she muttered. Legolas' eyes widened as he saw her crushed under the water by the stampede. He hurtled over to the gap, shoving the Uruk-Hai out of his way.

"Azimah!" he yelled as he ran into the water and pulled her out. He carried her out of the fray while Aragorn and Haldir had to carry a stubborn Gimli away, who was shouting, "Lemme at 'em—I've got to beat the Elf's score!"

They were safe for a little while when they reached the second level of the fortress.

Legolas set Azimah down against a wall, putting her glaive beside her.

"Azimah?" he asked tentatively.

The Elf opened her eyes quickly. "L-Legolas!" she stuttered. She looked around, seeing a bunch of the Rohan soldiers trying to barricade the main gate. "How'd I…?" she paused and her eyes grew wide for a second. "I thought I was drowning!"

Legolas stared at her worriedly. "I, uh, I had to carry you here. Remember?"

Azimah looked down as she bit her lip, embarrassed. In the background, Théoden shouted, "Heave Men! We'll have this battle over in no time!"

The soldiers cheered. Aragorn looked around enviously. "Cuz Aragorn's here. Yaaay…"

"Thank you, Legolas." Azimah said. "Your debt is repaid."

Legolas looked up at that last comment, perplexed.

"I saved your life once, and now you saved mine. You are no longer in debt to me, so don't go risking your life anymore to save me." Azimah said quietly, then paused. "….I just don't want you to get hurt…"

Legolas stared at her for a moment and was about to say something, but Aragorn cut him off.

"Alright, lovebirds, we need you up there on the battlements, man! There's a war going on, y'know?"

Azimah stood up shakily, the feeling coming back into her legs. "I can help." She muttered before she walked up to the battlements. Legolas still stood there thoughtfully when Aragorn slapped him on the back.

"Well man, I guess she really does have the hots for you."

The Elf looked at him and laughed. "Thanks…"

"Now get up there and snipe some Uruk-Hai ass!" Aragorn yelled. Legolas rolled his eyes as he ran up to the battlements.

"Aragorn! Gimli!" Théoden yelled. The soldiers were having a difficult time at the door. The king was wounded in the shoulder. "No fair, I wasn't looking!" he whined. He reluctantly looked at Aragorn. "I guess you have to go save the day now, why don't you."

"Will do!" Aragorn said cheerfully, clicking his heels before he and the dwarf ran out the convenient side door.

…

Fado cringed as her blindfold was lifted. Why did light have to be so….bright? She blinked, crawling around to grasp her surroundings. Straw, at least it was clean. Hand cuffs, nothing new. Bars… Fado was in a … birdcage?

"Well, hey there!" Satchel hopped into the cart, swiffer in hand. "Ready to hit the road?"

Captain Faramir was in the driver's seat sifting through a basket of what looked like cassette tapes. "Alright boys, what book on tape do you want to listen to on the way there? We have _Sherlock Holmes_,_ Where the Wild Things Are, Jack and the BeanStalk.."_

"I want _Harry Potter_ !" yelled a recruit.

"No, _Jane Eyre_!"

"I'm in the mood for _Lord of the_-"

"Naw that's a boring one…"

"Forget that!" Faramir barked. "I just found my old _CATS_ cassette!"

The company groaned as Faramir put the tape into a boom box strapped to the horse's butt.

Fado turned to Satchel. "So why the birdcage?"

"It used to belong to Captain Faramir's pet parrot. It was convenient for moving a small person like you around. Plus it adds a nice drama effect."

"That it does," said Fado, glancing around.

"Where is Madril?" asked Faramir. "he's always late…"

"Here!" Madril came rushing out.

"Oh goody!" Faramir hit the play button and 'Jellicle Cats' began playing. Madril groaned.

"Must you play that garbage?" he complained.

"Why does no one else like _CATS_?" Faramir said softly, looking dejected.

Fado looked up and saw Frodo being dragged out by two guards. She cringed at the sight of the large bruise on his face. Fado also couldn't help but notice dark circles forming under his eyes. Frodo glanced up at her, she hurriedly looked down.

"Poor bloke looks like death…" muttered Satchel. The cart jerked to a start; they were on the move.

Frodo stumbled along the path. It was mid day, and his vision was starting to get a bit funny. There was an odd buzzing noise coming from around his neck. He didn't want to admit it, but the ring was getting heavier. Of course it didn't help that the stupid guard kept pushing him. He played the day's events over in his mind. Fado in her cage; that had made him so mad…

The buzzing noise seemed to get louder. Frodo heard shouting from behind him. He turned to see the horse cart ablaze.

"Oh no," he muttered. Ditching the soldier he sprinted towards the fire. Soldiers ran around, shouting and confused.

"_**How dare they do this to me!" **_a voice hissed from the flames.

"Quick!" Madril ordered. "Get her off the cart!"

One of the soldiers grabbed a quarterstaff, using it to knock the birdcage off the cart.

"Orders sir!" The soldier yelled.

"Do whatever you can to immobilize her!" Madril yelled. "She can heal later!" Soldiers loaded their bows.

"No! Don't hurt her!" Frodo yelled running forward. He knelt down by cage where Fado was thrashing within. "Fado! Fado snap out of it!"

"Move ringbearer, my men have to shoot," Madril shouted.

By now, Fado had broken through the bars and was writhing on the ground. Frodo did the first thing that came to mind and tackled her. He clutched her tight as she struggled.

"Come on Fado, calm down," he murmured. "Come back."

She slowly stopped struggling. Frodo held on a moment longer. "You have to try to control yourself." He said.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

Frodo set her down and slowly stood up.

"She's alright now." He said loudly. The soldiers quickly swarmed in, seizing Fado. Frodo followed silently.

…

Azimah and Legolas were sniping gleefully. Or rather, Legolas was sniping. Azimah had terrible aim.

"BTDubs," said Legolas. "Have you seen Haldir?"

"Now that you mention it, no I haven't," said Azimah thoughtfully. Down below…

"Alright, dude, you ready?"

"I can't do it, man. I can't go the distance."

"Gimli?"

"Huh?"

"Don't say man. Only I say man."

Gimli looked at him questioningly. "But…Nora says it…"

"Shut up and let me toss you."

"No one tosses a dwarf!" Gimli remarked.

"I thought you said you couldn't make that."

Gimli paused. "Alright, just don't tell the Elves."

Aragorn winked at him and put his finger to his lips seductively. "Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me."

With that, Aragorn expertly punted the dwarf across the gap.

"I saw that!" came a voice from the battlements.

"Shut up, Legolas!"

Aragorn got a running start and leapt gracefully, unfortunately miscalculating the distance. Gimli watched as Aragorn flew over the bridge. Thankfully, an aggressive Uruk grabbed him before he fell.

"You saved me!" Aragorn said with a sparkle in his eyes.

The Uruk punched him in the face.

Azimah could see that they weren't having much luck. Rohanians apparently weren't good at building doors.

"We've gotta get Gimli and Aragorn out of there," she told Legolas.

"Right," he said, pulling out a rope.

"Where did you get that?"

Legolas paused to look at it. "It…it was in the script."

Together they hauled Gimli and Aragorn to the top.

"Well, seeing as that's finished…" said Aragorn, brushing off his hands.

"The door's been breached!"

"Goddammit."

There was utter chaos as Uruk-Hai swarmed the fortress.

Legolas grabbed Azimah's hand. "Come with me."

"What, why?"

"There's no time," Legolas said as they ran. They broke off from the stream of people, heading down a corridor.

He pulled her further down the corridor.

"Legolas…?" Azimah said, looking back from where they had come. They were travelling down a sheer rock path now. They stopped in front of a heavy metal door.

"They've breached the keep, we won't last another hour," Legolas said, unlatching the heavy door bar. "You need to go with the women and take them to safety, Azimah."

"No, I've told you a thousand times, I'm going to fi-"

Legolas abruptly grabbed Azimah, tore off her helmet, and kissed her hard. Azimah's brain went blank, allowing him to hold her tighter. His taste, his smell, she had to admit were incredibly overpowering. Legolas was simply savoring the moment. Her hair was a lot softer than he expected. He broke off, breathing hard.

"Sorry," he murmured. Before she could grasp what had just happened, Azimah was pushed through the doorway. Screaming in anger she threw herself at the door, but Legolas had barred it from the other side. Swearing, she continued to slam herself against the door, before sinking to the ground, shaking in fury. +

"Hello?"

Azimah looked up, there was Eowyn standing before her with a lantern.

Azimah stood up numbly. "Come on," She said. "They've broken in."

…

Nora awoke. "Where am I?" she groaned.

"In the remains of Merry's tree house," Pippin replied cheerfully.

Nora looked around. Most of the walls and the entirety of the ceiling were gone.

"Hey, Pippin."

"Yes?" Pippin said eagerly.

"Why is it snowing blue stuff?"

Pippin looked out. The water had been dyed a deep cerulean. He stuck out his tongue and caught one of the flakes. "It tastes like blue raspberry."

"What's going on?" Merry said. Above, a cackling noise was heard.

"Thought you had me, didn't you?" Saruman laughed. "Just wait about 4 to 5 hours and we'll see how well your plan went. Ahahaha!"

"What is this!" Merry yelled.

"Jell-O, my friend," Saruman said cockily.

"And what do you hope to accomplish with this!"

"Well now, as you can see, there's no starving me out!"

"But…how can you even reach it?" Pippin pointed out. "It's all the way down here."

There was an angry pause from above, then muttering.

"Who came up with this?"

"You did, sir."

"Right."

Pippin rolled his eyes, turning back to Nora. He gasped.

"Nora, you didn't meet Mr. Crews yet!"

"Who?"

"Terry Crews!" Pippin shouted excitedly, a big smile appearing as he turned to point. "Wait…"

All that remained in the spot was a golden, curly wig. "Where'd he go?"

"So long, friends!" came a voice from high in the clouds. Everyone looked up to see Terry Crews flying away with an umbrella in one hand and a carpet bag in the other. "My work here is done!"

…

Ginny: *sigh* Sorry again for lateness.

Moolie: But we're gonna type more now cuz it's SUMMER!

*Moolie and Aggie rip off their clothes to reveal swimsuits.*

Ginny: My eyes!

Moolie: I'm not _that_ pale…

Dan: *walks in* Damn.


	14. Crazy Few Weeks, Eh?

Moolie: Guys, I'm crying.

Ginny: Again?

Moolie: It's just…such a tear-jerker! *bursts into tears*

Aggie: Laaame.

Dan: Why are you two still in swimsuits?

Aggie: I'm enjoying this breeze.

…

Chapter Fourteen: Crazy Few Weeks, Eh?

"Pity Haldir's dead," Aragorn said. He and Gimli were sitting on their respective mounds of Uruk-Hai corpses, each smoking a manly pipe.

"Can't say I miss him," said Gimli after smoking his pipe. "Oh, by the way, you owe me twenty bucks."

Aragorn groaned. Gimli nudged him. "Come on, Gandalf came to save the day…"

Aragorn sighed and pulled out his man purse, grumbling.

Legolas walked up with a bit of a swagger. "Final count," he said, examining his bow, "52."

"Oh," said Gimli. "That's not bad for a little Elvish princeling. I, myself, am sitting happy on 53."

Legolas frowned, quickly pulled out an arrow, and shot the corpse that Gimli was sitting on.

"Fifty-three," said Legolas.

"He was already dead," said Gimli.

"He twitched."

The other men in the area chuckled at Legolas's rapier wit.

"_Tevenyel!_"

Legolas cringed. He turned slowly. Azimah was walking threateningly towards him.

"_Mae govannen_," Legolas greeted her weakly, giving her a small hopeful wave.

Aragorn, Gimli, and the rest of the men watched on in amusement as Azimah continued to swear and shout at Legolas in Elvish. Legolas, for his part, was trying to calm her down, but the conversation seemed past repair when she threw her helmet at him.

"Whoa," said Gimli.

"I know, she actually has a face!" said Aragorn as he stuffed his own with popcorn.

They continued to watch as Legolas grabbed Azimah and kissed her softly in an attempt to silence her. She smacked him across the face.

"Ohhh," chorused the watching men.

"_Ti tállbe Orch_," Azimah said coldly. She picked up her helmet and walked away.

"_Le melon_," Legolas said under his breath as he watched her stalk off.

Gandalf walked up. "Hey, guys. I've had this really weird urge to visit Isengard. Anyone up for it?"

Aragorn tried to swallow some of his popcorn before he responded, "Sure."

"Anyone up for listening to my _CATS_ soundtrack on the way?" Éowyn piped in.

Everyone groaned.

"There must be someone out there who likes _CATS_…" she sighed.

…

"BOOOOM!"

"Ah! Save us Precious!" Gollum screamed. Osgiliaith was quite the nasty sight. Catapults, Orcs, Blood, and above all, noise.

Fado, who had been given a new pair of handcuffs, was trailing obediently after Satchel. They were so close to Him, she could feel the dark presences all around. Twitching slightly, she shook herself. She refused to have another episode like earlier.

Faramir brought the company to a halt, conversing with some of the other captains. Fado looked over at the others. Frodo was wide eyed and panting, the circles around his eyes had grown even darker. Sam looked like he was trying to calm him down, though the angry charcoal eyebrows crudely drawn on his face weren't doing much good.

Madril stepped forward, "We have great gifts for Lord Denethor; two weapons of the most precious nature."

Fado seethed with anger. She was about to say something when-

"_They're here_," Frodo said in a raspy voice. Everyone stared at him. His eyes had rolled up to the back of his head. "_They've come_." He rasped.

An ear splitting shriek filled the air.

"NAZGUL!" Faramir yelled, pushing the small people out of the way.

Fado found that the handcuffs had mysteriously disappeared in the fray. Looking around she realized that Frodo had wandered off as well. Fado pattered through the rubble, until she found him.

"FRODO!" She screamed. There he was, standing atop a ruined building as a Nazgul and his Fellbeast bore down. Fado ran forward, afraid she would be too late. However, Sam was thankfully on schedule and tackled Frodo out of the way. Fado watched as they rolled down the stairs. Frodo had Sam pinned to the ground with a knife at his throat.

"No!" Fado tackled Frodo, tearing him off of Sam. They scrambled around for a while, until, with a thud, Fado was pinned on her back against a wall.

"Frodo," she said weakly. Frodo pressed Sting up against her throat. "You don't want to do this." Fado said slowly.

Frodo looked confused, like he was caught between two places at once. Fado slowly reached up and pulled Sting out of range of her jugular.

"You have to control yourself…" Fado said smiling a little. Nervously, she grasped the front of his shirt, drawing him closer. Timidly she leaned upward and pressed her lips to his. She felt him tense up, then slowly relax. He tangled his hands in her hair, drawing her closer. She was warm, she was sweet, he didn't want to let her go…

Faramir watched a little ways away. He turned to Madril.

"You've got to stop." Faramir said.

"Stop what?" Madril replied.

"Stop torturing them like the sicko you are." Faramir retorted. "Can't you see how crazy they are for one another?"

"Captain Faramir, they are prisoners of war." Madril said seriously.

"Not anymore they're not."

"What?"

"I'm letting them go, they're of no harm to us."

And with that, Faramir walked towards the little couple who were now helping Sam to his feet. The three looked up inquisitively.

"I have made my decision," Faramir said. "You all may go; you are no longer captives."

Sam burst into happy tears; it had been a very trying day for him.

"Come on, let's go find Smeagol," Frodo said, taking Fado's hand.

"Not so fast."

They all turned to see Madril backed with some of the other captains.

"Captain Faramir," Madril said dryly. "The other captains and I have conferred that while losing one valuable weapon is costly, two would be most unacceptable."

"Meaning…?" said Faramir.

"Meaning that one of those two must stay behind." Madril pointed to Frodo and Fado.

"We stay together," Frodo stated protectively.

"I'll stay." Fado said. Everyone looked at her.

"No." Frodo said immediately.

"I won't be able to last much longer, you know that." Fado said quietly. "You must get to Mordor."

"It's settled then," Madril seized Fado, dragging her away.

"NO!" Frodo yelled, rushing forward.

"Hold him." Madril ordered, as he dragged Fado farther away.

"FADO!" Frodo shouted as he struggled.

But Fado was already out of sight. Frodo continued to struggle.

"Mister Frodo." Sam said. "We'd better get going."

…

"Hey, Merry, look! If you go really fast, you can walk on it!"

Merry gave him a muffled reply as he lay, face flat, eating Jell-O.

"C'mon, Nora!" said Pippin. Nora joined him in bouncing along on the raspberry goo.

"Sooo…" Pippin started. "Crazy few weeks, eh?"

Merry made a snarky comment, but unfortunately no one could hear him, seeing as his face was buried in the gelatin. Pippin laughed on impulse.

"Hey, Pippin," Nora said. Pippin was slightly afraid of the serious tone in her voice. "Would you…want to just stay friends…?"

"Oh…" said Pippin. He lowered his head a bit. "I sort of liked us together…"

"Well…just until the war's over," she said as reassuringly as possible. "Y'know, just in case anything complicated comes up."

"I guess I could do that," Pippin said in an effort to be cheerful. He looked over to see Merry chomping his way across the sea of Jell-O. "What's he up to?"

"Look where he's going," said Nora, pointing towards what looked like a store room.

"Wait, my hobbit senses are tingling. That must be food!" Pippin exclaimed, bouncing across the Jell-O at lightning speed.

Nora sighed and looked down at her boots. "We're always the comic relief in the story."

She looked up and spotted Pippin and Merry running joyfully around the storeroom. She smiled.

"Maybe things will change in part three."

Still smiling at her success in foreshadowing, she followed.

END OF PART TWO.

…

Moolie: Guys, I'm sobbing.

Dan: Moolie, it's okay. *wraps his arm around her shoulders supportively*

Aggie: Look at Dan, makin' a move.

Ginny: I look forward to Part Three, gentlemen.

Aggie: I look forward to rolling in this celebratory mud. Come, Elephant.

Donald: Haroo!

Aggie: _No, not again! Not a cannonball! _


End file.
